Productive Sunday

Today I went out shopping with my ex and her husband who like me likes SciFi and action movies. She bought her self a desk so I can use her old desk for my personal use. Her husband and I built the new desk in about 2 hours without much trouble.

Thanks to my ex, I got back everything that was at my former family's household last week. My clothes, my laptop, my desktop, my collection of anime (yes I have a large set of burned DVD's), etc. In a few days she'll move everything from her old desk to the new and then I'll have a desk for my old desktop.

I'm selling my laptop so I can contribute to my new family. I used to make money online before, but things here are different. I can't go and store 200 boxes/envelopes of items to sell on Ebay. Buying and selling locally seems to be a good start, to build capital so then I can figure out a business venture which won't require me to store things here.

I'm thinking affiliate marketing, and I'm guessing that it will take me about 3 months to learn how to do it properly. I know there are online courses out there but I can't afford them and I'm fine with that. I learned everything about buying/selling on Ebay and Amazon through Youtube videos; I think there is a good chance that I could learn about affiliate marketing that way (I hope).

I could also develop some skills and create some hand made products to sell on Etsy or dive into e-book publishing (which does require about $1000 to start with).

To be honest, I feel pretty useless. Yes I walk the dogs, help out when it comes to anything related to computers (there are a few in the house) and contribute to keeping the house clean and doing dishes but I feel I'm not doing enough. I refuse to be a burden, so I need to come up with some ideas.

I'll be reaching out to the Hooman and Critical Role community for some ideas. Meanwhile I did this image for her as a way to show my appreciation. I've edited so her name is not shown.

I used to dabble in Photoshop, finding templates is easy enough, I hope she likes it. That is all for today.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Recap and Update

Ok, for those who recently found out that I was homeless, here is a recap and update.

Was married for 19 years to a woman who was jealous and controlling. She kept me in fear of being deported, my blind love kept me from living a full life. During that time I worked off the books, all my entertainment was pretty much online. Thanks to Anarchy Online (an MMO game) and other online multiplayer games I was able to avoid depression.

In Jan 14th of 2015 my wife died, and I became extremely depressed because she was my whole world. Her family (brother + 2 kids and sister) lived with us. 3 months after her passing I was told by my brother in law to stop being so depressed because it was affecting his children. I pretended to get out of depression, while at the same time thinking suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I must clarify that the thoughts were to harm myself, never others.

In Jul of 2015 my brother in law demanded that I came up with more money for the family. Within a day I came up with a business plan to run different streams of income between Ebay, Amazon FBA (Fulfillment by Amazon), OfferUp and Craigslist. They agreed to my plan, however for the first 6 months I had to practically beg for them to pull their own weight since they had agreed to work with me to build the several business ventures I was working very hard on.

Working every day, learning how to make money online kept my depression in check. I was still depressed, but between focusing on business and exercise I was able to keep all the negative feelings inside. I was glad to be able to help the family, to be able to buy things for the house and the kids that they wanted.

It all ended in June of 2016. One day my "brother" just told me "shut everything down" because he felt I was not making enough money for the family. I tried to explain that it takes time to build things up, that I could turn $10 into $50, but that his expectations were unrealistic. He expected me to turn $10 into $50 and then give him the $50 leaving me nothing to re-invest. Mind you the $10/$50 is an example.

I worked so hard for so long, watching hundreds of Youtube videos, going through dozens of websites, reading and watching everything I could avoid mistakes and learn how to do things right. I picked, researched, packed and shipped every item. They barely did a thing, and I would buy whatever was needed, give whatever I could while building the businesses.

That day everything that I had pushed down came up. My depression went into high gear. I had planned my suicide for a long time, and I felt I had nothing to keep me grounded any longer. I shut everything down as he ordered, and 3 days later I tried to commit suicide.

I survived, overcame my depression thanks to professional help. After walking for 8 hours (I had no money and my "family" never picked me up even after leaving several messages), I got home to be told by my brother in law that I was out of the family. I was given a backpack with some clothes, my phone (which only worked on WiFi), my wallet and some money.  He said I could not contact him, his sister or his kids and to start walking north.

For 19 years I was married to his sister, knew him even before he got married, before he got kids, before his ex died of cancer. All the years of being part of the family, didn't matter to him. He even said "everything was perfect and you messed it all up" before he told me to go north.

For 6 months I lived on the streets. At the beginning eating out of dumpsters before I figured out how to find a soup kitchen. An ex-girlfriend found me on Facebook and helped me out, first taking me in a few days when I was in crutches. Later on I was invited for Thanksgiving, to be then surprised to be told that I was not leaving, that they would take me in, that I was now part of their family.

So here I am, in a safe place. My feet are still healing, but getting better every week. I got no money, but I sleep comfortably on a leather sofa every night, I have meals, I get to have a hot shower every day. Every day I'm happy to help by walking the dogs (which I really like and they got used to me now) and do some house chores. I'm very grateful to be here, thank god.

I'm broke, but I'm safe. It's a good start.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Critical Role!

I've mentioned Critical Role before, and now I'm about to watch it from a place I call home! from a sofa! not outside Dunkin Donuts with my phone hooked up to a power outlet hoping the WiFi holds.

Wohoo!!!!

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

The Unexpected

Four days since the last entry to my journal. It feels like a month. It's so hard to express how I feel right now. I was supposed to be here, in my ex's home for a few days to celebrate Thanksgiving with her family. There is a proverb that says "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." and that is exactly what happened.

For almost 20 years I had a family, and in one day I lost that family. That event lead me to become homeless, and on my own. I got used to living on the streets. This week, in one day... I got a new family and I'm off the streets.

It is very difficult for me to type this, I'm very emotional right now. I knew it would not be easy to post this on my blog. It's the main reason why I'm doing this in the middle of the night, 11:30 pm to be exact.

Everyone is asleep in the house, a home I now live in. I sleep on the leather sofa which is heaven in comparison to where I used to sleep. I won't miss having to lay down on layers of cardboard every night, but I won't forget it either.

To wake up and know I can say "good morning" to people that actually care about me is a blessing which I'm grateful to them and to God. I try not to mention religion in my blog. I feel it is a personal choice, and I've never liked people who preach about their faith too much. My connection to the Lord is simple, I speak in private either verbally or with my thoughts and I do my best to listen.

Saturday night, my ex asked me if I could stay until Tuesday. because she needed to install a new TV at her mother's house for her birthday. I gladly agreed, another few days with a roof over my head sounded good to me.

Sunday afternoon she tells me that didn't want me to go back to the streets. She then went on to say everyone in the house had agreed to take me in. Her father, her stepmother and her husband had unanimously decided that I could live with them. The word unexpected falls short to describe the moment. If that wasn't enough, she told me I was part of her family.

Family means a lot to me, so for her to say that, knowing it was coming from her heart... it meant a lot.

Out of respect, I won't use the names of my new family, however I will show you my new furry roommates. The first two belong to my ex, the last one belongs to her father and stepmother.

This is Mushi, she barks for attention.

This is Zoe, she will eat anything.

This is Apache, the big boy.

I enjoy walking them. I had at one time considered becoming a dog walker, but I lacked the experience and reference to do it, and yeah... the fact that I was homeless sort of ended that idea.

The past few days has been a dream. I have a place to call home, where I can take a shower, keep my clothes, a safe place with good people that are helping me put my life back together. A totally unexpected situation, one which I'm glad to be in.

In the morning my ex tried to wake me up several times. The plan was for me to help her install a new TV for her mother, as a birthday gift. Instead she did it on her own, because I was deep asleep. I feel bad that when she was counting on me I wouldn't wake up. I intend to make it up to her somehow, even though she insists that it's alright. Her friendship means a lot to me.

I won't waste the opportunity she is giving me to rebuild my life. I'll share some more tomorrow.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

A Sweet and Itchy Thankgiving

It's 5 am and I haven't slept thanks to my itchy feet which are still recovering. Even with anti-itch cream, which helped a bit. Still, last night was wonderful. The meal was great, my ex and her stepmother made everything from scratch. I met my ex's relatives. I had already met her cousin who is polite to me, not sure if she likes me or not.

Her 89 yrs old aunt who is on a wheelchair was very social, I was mostly listening to her tell me about her life. She was a lovely woman. Her son made a homemade cheesecake based on her recipe and it was beyond delicious. I haven't had homemade cheesecake in 20 years, it was decadent.

A face that I had not seeing in 16 years, was my ex's mother; who I remember being kind and loving. She reminds me of my grandma; we hugged before she went to sleep.

I walked the family's big 80 pound dog named "Apache" which was shy for a few days, before he would let me pet him. He is a loving pet and was easy to walk him around last night. I didn't know he had diarrhea, so we left some free fertilizer on the grass.

Surprisingly I was able to socialize with most of the family, even though I felt awkward at the beginning. Her father even talked about my ex's childhood, about some freaky monkey attack on his convertible, when she was a child. It was a funny story, you had to be there to get it.

I had a good time, I felt very welcomed, thank God. That is all I can share.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Thanksgiving from 5 to 12!

I thought when I got the Thanksgiving invitation from my ex's family, that it would be them four and me. Oh no, this is a family gathering. 12 people including me, the guy that is not part of the family.

Despite my 20's when I could get together with a ton of strangers to get high and drunk, at this point in my life, I'm socially awkward. For the 19 years I was married, the only people I socialized with, were my wife's family and their handful of friends. So it was usually 7 of us, me and my wife, her brother and his two kids, her sister and a family friend.

After Nina passed away in January of 2015, it was 5 of us, her family was the only family I knew, the only family I had. I was used to them, so birthdays and holidays went on after a few months of mourning. I did hide my depression from them, and in June of this year I survived a suicide attempt.

I got professional help, group therapy and the whole 9 yards. I thought that my family would be there for me after I was released. Instead I was given a backpack with clothes, and told by my brother in law that I was "no longer part of the family" at the parking lot outside our home.

That is how I became homeless. No family to call my own, with just what I had on me, walking the streets of Florida. Days, weeks and months went by, and I got used to it. Not having a family, or real friends that is.

I know a lot of friendly people I care about in Delray Beach, but true friendship... it wasn't in my life, until my ex found me through Facebook. What are the chances that someone you had an intense relationship with, that ended badly, would be such a loving friend after 15 years?

Now I'm in her home about to celebrate Thanksgiving with another 11 people, most who don't know me. I'm nervous, as if I'm going on a freaking date for god's sake!

Her father is a great guy, old school type that believes in hard work, and doesn't like anything handed to him. His wife is a lovely lady, that reminds me of my grandma. And there is my ex, who has given me true friendship. True friendship is rare these days, with so much bs going on in our society for the past few decades. I never finished high school, but life has educated me enough to know that usually friends come and go, but family is... or should be forever.

Here I am, with no family, but with a friend which is solid as a rock (and just as stubborn). I'm hoping I don't put my foot in my mouth. What if I'm asked what I do for a living? or where I live? yeah... socially awkward indeed.

God help me. If you're reading this, have a great Thanksgiving 👍

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Wednesday

I'm used to waking up at 5 am. What I'm not used to, is waking up on a nice leather sofa, covered by a comforter.

It was a nice way to wake up. Even more so when my ex said I could go to her bed and keep sleeping there. I hesitated, for about 10 seconds. Sleeping on a nice soft bed was even better. I must've slept for about 4 hours or so.

My ex asked me to help carry some tables and chair over for tomorrow. I was happy to be of help. Checking her stepmother's 2 laptops an hour later, I had to give her the mixed news. The Dell Inspiron m5030 was dead, nothing I could do for it. The Lenovo was something I was able to fix, restoring it to factory settings, exactly as it was the day it was bought.

I was glad to see her smile once I was done with the Lenovo which only took me 45 minutes to fix. This family is so warm and genuine to the core, I'm happy to spend any time here. Right now I'm enjoying a nice bread pizza that my ex made for me. Watching on of my favorite movies right now, Deadpool.

Thanks for reading.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Sofa Heaven and Vulcan Salute

She picked me up in the morning, bought me a croissant with sausage, egg and cheese while we were at Dunkin Donuts even after I told her I wasn't hungry. My ex is stubborn like a mule. The drive to her house was more lively than last time. I'm more comfortable with her since last time.

She tried to figure out a way for me to live with them, of course things are tight with the current economy. I had to put my foot down, asking her not to bring it up again to her family. Surprisingly, she took it well.

Her family welcomed me with open arms, her husband was at work still. I was able to take a long hot shower. It took me a while to shave. I only got disposable razors and I had a scruffy beard. She doesn't like me having a beard, and it annoyed her that I had missed 3 hairs on my face.

I have to admit, I liked annoying her a bit. She is a bit OCD and half jokingly said that she would shave the hairs while I slept. She is stubborn enough to do it, so I may let her do it. I do feel bad that she is in so much pain and there is nothing I can do for her. She tells me that she feels bad because I'm living on the streets. So we each feel bad for each other. She told me that she cares for me, and I can see that she does.

Yet my logic kicks in. Not seeing each other for 15 years after we ended our relationship on a bad note... it did give me pause, made it hard for me to trust her. Even though it was mostly my fault how things ended between us. She has moved on and I've also moved on emotionally. I can't see myself as anything other than a friend with her.

We went shopping for a few things that were needed for Thanksgiving. Just a few small things, when I tried to pay for it she stood her ground telling me I was not allowed to do that. So I threw in a 2-pack of Twix expecting her to send it straight to my face. She didn't. Back in the day she used to throw things at my head for no reason. Not light things mind you, but solid enough to send me to the hospital if I didn't duck.

15 years has mellowed her a bit, thank God. I finished the 1st season of Mr. Robot and it is a very good show, as a geek/nerd I give it a Vulcan salute.

The sofa here is heaven, she had it ready with 2 pillows and 2 comforters. I'll be checking 2 laptops for her stepmother, who is a lovely lady whose kindness reminds me of my grandmother.

We had some fun with Facebook Messenger while we were practically 6 feet away from each other. Me on the sofa and my ex on her recliner. We can be silly that way sometimes, I like it.

She tells me things in confidence, and it makes me more at ease. I trust her more. I wish I was in a position to help her. I have a friend, and she really loves me.

It's been a great day.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Mr. Robot and Another Cold Night

Yesterday I finished watching the second season of Blindspot which ended in a cliffhanger. Next episode will come out in January, maybe by then I'll have my own place to watch it at. One can dream right?

Last night it was also cold, so I used my towel to cover my legs, then the blanket on top to cover me head to toe. It work pretty good and I didn't feel as cold. I didn't wake up once during the night.

However now I've got a sore throat and my back hurts. My ex told me yesterday that she was going to pick me up today, so I can spent Thanksgiving with them. Not sure if it will happen, last Sunday she was unable to pick me up. I hope she is able to get me, I'd love to take a hot shower and take a nap on her sofa.

Her family is kind, far better than the family I used to have. I'm better off sleeping on the streets than sharing a home with people I can't trust. On occasion I remember that I once had a niece, a nephew, a brother-in-law and a sister-in-law.

I helped in raising the kids with my wife, doing their homework with them, gave them advice, made sure they ate and would clean up after them. My brother and sister would ask for my help with anything computer related. After my wife died we had to move; and I pretty much loaded and unloaded the entire moving truck on my own. I think that sometimes they saw me as a beast of burden rather than a relative.

My suicide attempt got me kicked out of the family. I wasn't doing drugs, I only drank alcohol once in a while and never got drunk. I was a good brother and uncle. One mistake and I was thrown away like garbage. I try not to think about it, because it still hurts.

Being homeless, the priorities are very basic. Find food, bathroom access, find work, safe spot to sleep. Simple, yet not so simple. Best change the subject.

Last night at Starbucks I started watching Mr. Robot and it's interesting. going to start watching episode 4 in a few minutes. As I was writing this post, she called. My ex is on her way to pick me up.

This will be the first Thanksgiving in 15 years which I do not spend with my wife's family. Looking forward to it.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Cold Night, Bandages and Daydreams

Last night it was so cold, that I kept waking up every hour or so. Even with the hospital blanket my ex gave me. I'll change things up a bit tonight, when I go to sleep. Using the clean clothes I have as another layer on me, and then the blanket on top, it may keep me warmer.

Late last night I ran out of bandages, but luckily my buddy Joe (the cop) hooked me up with enough gauze and bandages for the next few days. I was very grateful and asked him to thank his girlfriend for me. Thanks to her I'm healing up.

At 5 45 am I placed the Dunkin Donuts tables and chairs outside, like every morning.

I was given a warm plain bagel with cream cheese which tasted like heaven. It took all of 5 minutes after I got my stuff set at my booth before I fell asleep. I woke up at around 10 am, and started to catch up to the rest of the Season 2 of Blindspot which I'm a fan of thanks to Ashley Johnson from Critical Role. I mentioned CR last Thursday and unfortunately due to turkey day, there won't be a show this week 😞.

Being homeless is not an easy lifestyle. I wish I had a job to go to every single day, to sleep every night on a bed even if it was in a room the size of a closet. There is no day which is stress free, and depression is one blink of an eye away.

So how do I avoid from losing it?  How do I keep myself together? Well I've always been good at daydreaming. I can see myself living a different life, even a different past... I can create memories which I can make myself believe to be real for a short time.

It may sound crazy, but it works for me. I've been Darth Vader, King Arthur, a young guy living in NY with his gf, an old man living in Alaska, Wolverine, an Inhuman, an Immortal... even changed genders. I've had hundreds of dreams since I've been homeless, keeping my mind from stress.

It was always a way to escape since my childhood, and I've rarely mentioned it to anyone. I'm certain it's because I had been abused. But daydreaming is also risky, going too deep and I'm no longer aware of my surroundings. That can be very dangerous to someone who is homeless.

I've kept a good balance, I've been reading books, listening to Pandora, watching streams (like CR), movies, tv series and of course my favorite youtube channels which provide entertainment. Entertainment which keeps me from imploding from the inside out.

Before you ask why daydream being a villain... let me tell you, it is far better to choke someone to death in your mind as a fictional character using the force than using your hands on a real person. I don't like violence, but I'm very capable of defending myself, and others if need be.

Anger does come up, at myself mostly. Thinking how could I've been so weak to attempt suicide; to allow my wife to go through a surgery that killed her. Logic says it wasn't my fault, but emotions and logic don't always agree.

To release negative emotions without doing something stupid, then is where the daydreams comes into place. I can do it for an hour or longer, and see myself in the most crazy realities. I have a fear of heights, but while daydreaming I can fly above the clouds as Superman or jump off a plane with a parachute.

The first is impossible of course, no human can defy gravity on his/her own. The second dream could happen, but extremely unlikely considering that every time I've been in a plane I hold on to the seat for dear life. The point is, while other homeless escape through drugs and liquor of all kinds, my "high" is my own mind.

If I feel myself slide into depression, the daydreaming kicks in. When I had a family that loved me, I rarely did it. Now without a family... it helps me stay in one piece. Because my foot is still not fully healed I avoid walking, and staying in one place all day is boring and easily depressing.

I've found that writing blogs also helps me a great deal. Sharing my life experiences, my daily life, and working on the Homeless Survival Guide keeps me grounded.

I thank God every day for allowing me to continue my existence.

That's all for today.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

A flat, hot food and sex at Dunkins

At the end of yesterday's post I was in a hurry to get on my bike to ride to the Methodist church that gives food for the weekend.

To my surprise, I realize that the front tire is flat. It gives me a bad feeling, because my original bike (Huffy Beach Cruiser) had been messed with, someone kept puncturing the tires before it was stolen. I'm not sure if this is happening again; it could be coincidence. I hope that it is.

My Huffy Beach Cruiser that was stolen weeks ago.

I left all my stuff at Dunkin Donuts (they let me do that on occasion when I need to go somewhere) and started my walk to the church. My feet are better, but I've been avoiding walking unless necessary. Food falls under "necessary", heh.

Because I had foolishly counted on the bike getting me to the church quickly, I ended up reaching the church late. There wasn't much left. Then I was told they were serving warm food inside, thank God.

They don't serve warm food, but I guess because Thanksgiving is coming and they had no plans to serve that day, they did it yesterday. It was a good breakfast/lunch. A few of the guys I know from the soup kitchen were there. One of the homeless females I know had a black eye, she told me in breaking up a fight a few days ago, she got an elbow to the face. Unfortunately stuff like that is common when hanging out with people who drink too much.

I learned to be friendly and helpful when I can, while at the same time keeping a safe distance. Nobody has ever even raised their voice at me, and I've been in Delray for almost half a year now.

After thanking those who had served the food, I walked back to DD with the food I was able to get. It was just enough to cover me for the weekend.

I ended up falling asleep for a few hours at my booth inside DD. I woke up around 5 pm. to find myself dragged into a chat with the staff about... how can I say this...sex and "back door" etiquette so a female does not feel pain. I can be open about my personal experiences regarding intimacy as long as it's with people I know; not in front of total strangers.

Of course there were no customers in the store at the time. Keep in mind these are young men, 18 and 21 years old and I'm 47 which is why they discussed it with me. I won't mention the details, just that it was informative.

At 8 pm I left DD and went to Starbucks where I spoke with Kody, who is a sweetheart and one of my favorite Baristas there. My unofficial role of Life Coach there has gained me some good relationships with the staff.

I caught up on some Star Wars Rebels and Ash vs Evil Dead thanks to the WiFi there and being able to coughtorrentcough. I'm homeless, but that hasn't change the geek/nerd in me. I changed the bandage of my left foot after I left Starbucks at midnight and it looks better.

Saturday started with a flat tire, and ended up with my foot looking better. It was a good day. I've been at DD all day today, so nothing of note to write about.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Charlie Horse

I woke up today at my spot at 5 am, and as soon as I tried to get up I got a charlie horse in my left leg. I've dealt with them before and knew exactly what to do. I relaxed the leg and held back a scream of pain that may have attracted unwanted attention.

Relaxing the leg helped a lot, and the pain was mostly gone in a few minutes. People have asked me where I sleep, and all I can say is that it's fairly safe away from other homeless, and out of view. Check it out.

Between the 3 walls and the small roof most nights my spot is fairly safe from wind and rain (unless it get really windy). Also because of the right wall that faces the street, it makes me very hard to see at night when I'm laying down. Rule #1 of being homeless, be invisible.

At 5:45 am I walked to Dunkin Donuts and helped in taking the tables and chairs outside like I do every morning. It gets me a bit of food that can hold me up until lunch time most days. I sat at my corner booth and worked on blogging.

You may ask "how does a homeless guy have a laptop?". Answer: I worked for it (I know 5 other homeless who also have laptops). 25 hrs of work in exchange for it to be exact. It happened a few months when I was still able to fly a sign that read "Looking For Work". Now it's impossible because Delray cops are cracking down on homeless flying signs or panhandling. I rather work than panhandle any day.

Back then a guy picked me up to do some miscellaneous work for him, paint a room, landscaping, moving stuff out of his garage into a storage room, etc. He had a laptop which he didn't need anymore and we made a deal for it.

It does have problem with the hard drive I believe, I have to reset it to get it working again once in a while. For the most part it's perfect for me. I've been able to download and watch movies, listening to Pandora or Spotify, look for work, blog and even get back in touch with an old ex (she found me on Facebook after 15 years).

Last night my friends at Starbucks hooked me up with a coffee and some chocolate covered popcorn (which was delicious).

Not sure if I've mentioned that my ex's husband (yeah still sounds weird) gave me a bike to help me move around after my feet get better. I got it locked next to DD. I got the seat, don't want it stolen since it's quick release.

She was going to pick me up Sunday so I could take a shower and get laundry done. The original plan was to drop me off Sunday night and then Wednesday pick me up again so I could stay overnight into Thursday, to celebrate Thanksgiving with them. I'm very grateful to her wonderful family that allowed me to stay a few days when I couldn't even stand without crutches.

Last night she changed the plan, instead I'll be picked up Sunday to stay an entire week. I'm getting more comfortable with her, but was not sure. She is complex, always was, to be honest. Always interesting, never boring, she is full of life and without a filter. When I was with her years ago, those traits were the reason why I had fallen in love with her. To me she was a "free spirit" and also my "fluff and fold chick" since at the time she worked at a Laundry service.

I asked Diana last night for advice, and she said "just go with it". So yeah, I'll be off the streets for a week and intend to enjoy it. When I was at her home, she mentioned that the outside of her home needed painting, so last night I mentioned it and offered to do it for them. Her answer "we'll see". I just want to do something in return for the kindness she and her family has shown me.

Oops! almost 9 am, I have to get to the church to get some food!

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Quick Blog Update

I want to be open and honest with you regarding a change on all 3 blogs I write. I'm homeless and getting work is not easy when you have no place to call home.  Right now I'm still recovering from the problem I have with my feet (mostly the left foot).

I've added a "Thank you for your Support" page to each blog and removed the front page donation widget. I'm not out to get rich or trick anyone into clicking on affiliate links. If you would like to support one of my blogs, you will have to click on the support page then decide if you wish to donate through Paypal, GoFundMe or through Amazon affiliate links.

You won't see banners or affiliate links section anywhere outside the support page. On occasion I may include an affiliate link to a post/entry but I will do my best to keep it to a minimum. I've used Adblock Plus for years because I hate unwanted online ads (even before I became homeless).

I would appreciate if you consider checking the support page if you wish to support this blog.

I'm mostly trying to focus on Amazon sponsored links and service/companies such as Lootcrate and Backblaze which also support one of my favorite shows online, Critical Role. If you have any questions feel free to contact me through my Goggle profile.

That's it.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Why reveal so much?

Good morning. Today someone asked me "why reveal so much about yourself? aren't you scared someone may throw some things back at you?".

My answer was more or less as follows. "Hell yeah it is scary to write a blog sharing parts of my life that either I'm not proud of, or things which are deeply personal. However since recovering from my suicide attempt, I see the point forward from that event as my second life. When I was younger either I was too stupid to listen to advice, or there was no advice available. By sharing what I've gone through, good and bad experiences, I hope that someone out there can learn from it and perhaps avoid some of it."

Nobody is perfect, we are imperfect humans. We're bound to fuck up, and sometimes in a big way. Even with family, friends and professional help. It is impossible to live a perfect life without pain and suffering, But we can learn from others, to avoid or lessen any damage we may do to ourselves or others. We do things physically, emotionally, financially every day and it doesn't take much (trust me on this) to end up in the gutter somewhere.

Yes, "Letters of my Life" is a blog about my life experience, but it would be impossible to write about every single good and bad thing that I've ever experienced. I try to cover the things that made a mark. Things which were so significant that I still remember them. Of course I also remember things were of little consequence that I may mention to balance things a bit. Humor does help cope with things.

If I can help one person avoid some pain or experience some love in their life, then that makes it all worth it. To me is also a form of therapy (when I was in the psych ward I was told by a psychiatrist that writing about things helps a lot).

My other blog is the "Homeless Survival Guide", it provides information based on personal experience and research to help those who are either on the brink of becoming homeless, or already are. Other homeless and people that volunteer at soup kitchens/churches have given me very valuable counsel, that helps me survive every day.

I do fear that revealing some personal aspects of my life may make it hard or maybe even impossible to find love again. But...

"I learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear" - Nelson Mandela

I believe that the most powerful force in all existence is Love, and God is Love. So I have every intention of overcoming the fear whenever it shows it's ugly head.

To change the topic real quick. Last night's Critical Role had a funny start with Sam Riegel being trolled by Lootcrate. Unfortunately Starbucks closed at 11pm and then I had no decent WiFi available, so I'll catch the replay next Monday.

Have a great day.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Can't wait for some #criticalrole

"Is it Thursday yet?" yeah, it is!

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you are missing on one of the most fun D&D streams online. I'm talking about Critical Role from Geek & Sundry. G&S is Felicia Day's geeky dream that she made reality. I started watching Felicia's "The Guild" web series many years ago, which lead to the creation of G&S's fun geeky/nerdy online content. I also love G&S's Tabletop show.

I'm homeless, but I try not to miss Critical Role every Thursday at 10 pm EST on the Geek & Sundry Twitch Channel. When I can't get decent WiFi working, then I wait until the following Monday and watch the replay at the G&S website.

It may seem weird that someone who sleeps on cardboard every night, looks forward to a Thursday night, to see a group of voice actors role-play as a band of heroes known as Vox Machina. There are times when watching the show certainly makes a different in the quality of my life.

I can be cold and hungry, but there isn't a time when I have not laughed my ass off watching an episode. Specially when Sam Riegel breaks the 4th wall while playing his gnome bard Scanlan Shorthalt. Or when Grog (Travis Willingham) shows how high his intelligence of 6 can take him. They are hilarious.

I'm a quiet Critter among thousands of other #critters that are fans of CR and other G&S shows. I usually write on my blog about my day, or to mention an update on my other two homeless related blogs. Today, I just want to say thank you to Felicia Day, Geek & Sundry and the wonderful people that make Critical Role possible as well as the wonderful critters around the world that keep G&S going strong.

Under 13 hours to go before the show starts and I can't wait!

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Blogging is not always fun

I usually enjoy writing my blogs, about my daily life, my past and the homeless survival guide. I updated the "Homeless Survival Guide" today and wrote a new entry in my "Letters of my Life" blog which was not easy to write.

There are plenty of things in my life I'm not proud of, specially when it's a mistake that has left a mark that can't be removed. It also makes me wonder, if I'll be able to find someone who could understand me like my wife did. She didn't judge me for the mistake I made.

Nina educated herself enough about the disease to accept it. Her love was strong; it was one of the things that was special about her. I've met plenty of females that loved me, but only two that were in love with me.

I can handle being alone, being homeless, I can accept many things. Living without the love of a woman; without being in love is not something I want to accept. I got other priorities right now of course. Get a full job, get a place to live, save money, move out west, help others, etc. Being with a woman or being in love at this time is not on my list of priorities.

However I do want to fall in love again, to look into someone's eyes, get goosebumps and feel my skin heat up from just looking at her. I've been there before, and want to experience that again.

While I'm writing this, two of my Dunkin Donuts buddies are singing in Spanglish and teasing me because I told them I wouldn't get involved with any female that was either married, engaged or with a boyfriend. It's a life lesson I learned the hard way.

That is all for today.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Good Morning

After leaving Starbucks last night, I went straight to my spot and read a few pages of a book I'm reading on my phone (easy to find downloadable Epub books online) for half an hour. I went to sleep a little before midnight as usual.

I woke 3 times during the night which was the result of drinking 2 ice coffees and an iced tea. I was so happy to be able to move around again, that I totally forgot to keep track of what I was drinking. I've learned not to drink or eat hours before going to sleep, to avoid having to deal with having to look for a bathroom late at night.

Waking up at 5:20 am I read a few more pages of the book from the previous night; 20 mins later I was taking out the tables and chairs outdoors for the Dunkin Donutss crew.

I set up my laptop, and worked on my "Homeless Survival Guide" site a bit, updating some pages there. It's a bit after 7 am and looks like I'm having a nice start to my day. No pain, some discomfort still but very manageable. I'll be updating making a new entry to my "Letters of my Life" blog today.

That's all for now.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Awesome Tuesday!

After having a rough few days, I woke up Tuesday morning at 7 am. My day started in awesome mode. Thanks to Joe's girlfriend my foot was in much better shape. I had overslept a bit, which usually would bothers me, but not today.

I was able to put weight on my left foot. I checked the bandage and noticed that I would probably need to change it. I kept my foot up while I was trying to decide if I should go to the soup kitchen for breakfast. I also needed to go to Publix to get my prescription filled.

At 8:45 am I asked the manager at Dunkin Donuts (who is a nice Latina that knows my situation) if I could leave my duffel bag for a few hours. She kindly agreed and I left it at the store. I got on the Bike that my ex's husband had given me (yeah that happened too).

I was riding it carefully wearing slippers that my ex's father had given me last weekend. It was far better than the Huffy Beach Cruiser that has been stolen from me weeks ago. This baby is a 21 speed ride.

Reaching the soup kitchen a little after 9 am I ate breakfast. A few friendly homeless guys that know me asked me where I had been, so I filled them up a bit on the crazy days I had gone through. I gave a hoodie and a long sleeve shirt to 2 of them, I had brought them because I had a bit too much to carry in the duffel bag.

Talking to one of the women that work at the kitchen, I asked for some gauze and bandages and fortunately she found some. I thanked her and then left the kitchen and rode straight to the park across the Delray Courthouse. There I changed my bandage and finally saw what Joe's girlfriend had done (skip if you don't want to see it).

After I finished I rode to the nearest Publix to find out it didn't have a Pharmacy. I had to ride to another Publix but I didn't care, the minor discomfort was worth it. I got the prescription filled at no cost to me, I thanked God for this blessing.

By the time I was riding from Publix back towards Dunkin Donuts it was almost Lunch time. I had not been on a bike in weeks; the gel seat helped a bit but still my read end was asking for a short break.

I stopped a few minutes to talk to a homeless guy I know, who had been arrested Monday night for throwing a brick at the Trolley (yeah, that happened) while drunk. Apparently the driver refuses to pick him up because a while ago they had gotten into a verbal altercation where racial slurs had been exchanged. Crazy things like that happen often unfortunately. I told him to try and get sober up. Hopefully he will try, sober he is a completely different person.

Riding my bike I made it in time for lunch time at the soup kitchen. Right after I headed to DD and stayed there until 7 pm. I walked over to Starbucks with my backpack and duffel bag with only minor discomfort on my left foot.

My buddy Diana was there and she gave me a passion tea lemonade with mango and raspberry to try out.

It was delicious. So here I am, enjoying the end of my awesome Tuesday. I'll head out to my spot at 11 pm, when they close. Oh yeah I also got this.

That will be my breakfast for tomorrow. Thank God for good people.

Ok that is all for today, good night.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Monday Night Blessing

Monday I spent all day at Dunkin Donuts, keeping my left foot up on a chair hoping my left foot would recover from being so swollen. It didn't help at all. At about 5 pm I started to do research on how to deal with the problem based on how my foot was looking. It was looking almost as bad when I had gone to the hospital.

Most info I found recommended I popped it, drain it completely and then put a band aid on it to let it heal. Over the course of a few hours I drained it 5 times, because it kept filling up and I couldn't understand why it was doing that. I left DD right before they closed and slowly walked to the next block and sat at a metal bench there.

I was reading a book on my phone when a Delray Police patrol car stopped right in front of me. I thought "oh no... I got my foot bare and now I'm in trouble for violating some city ordinance". Then I hear "Hey Luis! how you been?" and I see my buddy Joe, a friendly cop that I've known a few months. I had no seeing him in over a week.

He gets out of the car and we catch up with what had happened in the past few days. The Bethesda Hospital fiasco, the days spent at my ex's house, etc. Joe gets on the phone and then asks me if it would be ok if his girlfriend took at look at my foot because she is a medical assistant. Of course I said yes, thanking him,

She drives all they way from their home and 15 minutes later she is not only looking at my left foot, but treating it. She uses Joe's knife wearing surgical gloves and cuts open the blister then uses a triple antibiotic ointment, covers it with gauze and bandages it. On the spot she writes me a prescription which I could fill at Publix for free. Not only that, she gives me the ointment to keep as well.

It is people like Joe and his lovely girlfriend which strengthens my faith in God and in humanity in general. Joe gives me a hoodie before he leaves to continue his patrol.

So yeah, Monday night blessing indeed. I will post one more time to share the good day I had today.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

PS: Sorry about the length of the previous post, but there was a lot of stuff going on during those 2 days.

A Rough Sunday & Monday

Saturday night was the last night I could stay at my ex's house. Her husband, father and his wife were wonderful. They made me feel welcomed, reminded me of the family that I had lost. I wasn't used to their level of banter but I got used to it.

I was able to stand on my own with only some itch, mainly on my left foot. That night I watched the movie Allegiant with her husband; while my ex had gone out with her cousin to his some bars. She has not changed much, still loves to go out with an unfiltered mouth and ready to get into a brawl (now she legally carries a gun which makes her even more dangerous). I pity anyone who crosses her.

Sunday morning I joined the family for breakfast, which included pancakes and orange juice. Their larger dog finally allowed me to be close enough too feed him some pancake. He is so gentle that I didn't even feel him touching my hand.

After breakfast the nice duffel bag that her husband gave me was filled with my clothes which were now clean (she did laundry for me). Also new clothing (hoodie, socks, underwear, and a hospital blanket) they added.

Her stepmother was glad that my time with them helped me recover. She told me that when she saw me barely walking a few days ago, that it broke her heart. I thanked everyone for their hospitality and kindness.

She drove me to Dunkin Donuts, and bought me some food. I showed her the spot where I slept and she got emotional and started to tear up. I tried to calm her down, assuring her that I'd be alright.

I admitted to her that if she had tried anything, that I would have been putty in her hands. It is easy to ignore other woman, they are strangers to me, and those I befriend and get to know me, see me only as a friend (which works for me).

We have a history, a very intense and passionate history. I know myself well enough that with her, my defenses would crumble. Luckily nothing happened. She said a divorce is unavoidable, that she has been unhappy for years. I can't figure out how that may affect our friendship down the road, if it will have any effect at all.

She has convinced me to stay in Florida a while, wanting to help me with my legal problems. My plan was to save enough money to buy a Greyhound bus ticket, go west and leave Florida for either Texas or California. I calculated that I'd need about $350 to leave (and still be homeless elsewhere). I'll put my trip on hold, but I intend to leave the state and start over out west. If I can become a resident then I'll work my ass off to get a job, buy a car and save enough to then drive west.

After some chit chat, she calmed down but started to tear up again as she was getting ready to leave. I kept reassuring her that I would be fine. Hours later she would admit that she had been crying most of the day when she got home. Our friendship has just restarted, I trust her as much as I can, but not totally. She was my weakness and still is, so I need to be careful.

I want to remarry, I liked being a husband and it would be nice to be in love again. No, not just nice... it would be wonderful. Finding real love is hard, with any luck you can find a true love once in a lifetime, finding it twice is rare. I'm up for the challenge.

Since the late 80's, I've only been with american women, of different backgrounds and ethnicity. Most of those encounters were casual (in my 20's it was hundreds). The few serious relationships were with white women. If I'm to remarry I think my preference may be a petite Latina in her 30's with maybe 1 kid or no kids. I'm still not sure, but my grandmother always told me that a Latina would understand me better.

Last night after Dunkin Donuts closed at 8 pm, I couldn't make it to Starbucks; I was only able to walk one block. My left foot was once again swollen. I decided to stay at a bench a while to relax. Taking the chance to entertain myself, I read a book on my phone for the next 2 hours. At the time I had forgotten to take the Advil that her stepmother had advised me to take twice a day. They had give me a brand new bottle of Advil, I just plainly forgot that I had it.

I then tried to walk with the same result, barely able to move. Slowly but surely I made it to my spot to find that all my cardboard was gone. Leaving the duffel bag which her husband had kindly given me earlier that day at my spot I had to go and get some new cardboard. It didn't take long, only 10 minutes and with 2 unfolded cardboard boxes I set up my spot properly.

Using the duffel bag as leverage I put my feet on it while I used the backpack as a pillow like always. Later in the night (about 2 am) it got colder and wrapped myself in the hospital blanket she had given me. It warmed me up perfectly, allowing me to get back to sleep.

I woke up at 6:30 am, got up and slowly walked into Dunkin Donuts. My friend Eli was surprised to see me, she thought I was going to stay with my ex. When I explained that she was married and living with family she got the point.

After placing my things at the corner booth (my own little corner I hang out at) I slowly took the chairs and tables outside. It wasn't comfortable but it is the least I can do considering I will stay here all day. I can't go to the Delray Library or local soup kitchen, it wouldn't help my left foot to walk that much.

I'll spend a few bucks at DD to eat when I'm hungry. I can handle this for a week, I need to finish healing. I won't go back to her home until Thanksgiving (her family invited me). Going to watch a movie now to relax. I will work on my other blogs ("Letters of my Life" & "Homeless Survival Guide") this week.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Walking on my own

Today I was finally able to walk on my own, without crutches. I can put my weight evenly on both feet, walking slow but with without the excruciating pain I felt when I left the hospital.

I thank god and those who gave me the help I needed to recover so quickly. I'm sure that had I gone back to Delray Beach in the shape I was, it would have taken at last a week if not more to recover. There was also a good chance that things could have gotten worse.

I've agreed to stay one more night, she insisted and considering how well things have gone I didn't find a reason to refuse.

Her family has been kind and caring, always asking me if I was hungry, thirsty or comfortable. They've even offered to look for some cash work for me.

Tomorrow I'll be back at Dunkin Donuts and take it slow for a few days so I can fully recover and then look for work as usual.

This has worked out better than expected. I'll post tomorrow with another update.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

From a Hospital to a Sofa

Ok so here is what happened yesterday afternoon. At 4:30 pm I was getting ready to leave the Delray Beach library when I noticed I wasn't able to stand without holding on to something.

I could put my weight on my right foot and that is how slowly I made my way out of the library. Once outside I slowly lowered myself to the ground, then waited for the police officer that works inside the library to come out.

He was at the end of his shift, so he called another officer to help me. Within minutes there were 3 officers helping me. I explained the issue with my feet and called in for a transport to the nearest hospital.

Out of respect I didn't take their pictures. Once the ambulance showed up they were glad to see that they didn't have to deal with a drunk or drugged homeless person. They even said "you are the 1% of the 1% of people we pick up, rare to see someone like you in here". We spoke about the election during the 15 min ride to Bethesda Hospital.

Both paramedics were very nice, we even had a few laughs. They dropped me off and wished me well.

By the time I saw a doctor it was 7:30 pm. He told me it was just blisters, not athlete's foot or any infection. The way he was talking was as if I he wanted to get rid of me quickly. I was given 2 pills for the pain and a prescription for a cream for my feet. I had to sign papers agreeing to a $350 fee which I said I could not afford; I was told someone would talk to me to work things out.

Meanwhile my friend Kenny from Dunkin Donuts was texting me checking on me and I told him about me being at the hospital. At the same time my ex (which I mentioned in "Proudly in pain" post) was talking to me through FB Messenger.

When I told the nurse there was no way for me to walk out on my own, she said I would be given crutches. I calculated that on crutches it would take me 3-4 hours to get back to Delray Beach. I needed a ride. My ex offered to drive me and after some thinking I accepted. 15 minutes later Kenny texts me and offers me to pick me up as well.

My ex and her husband were already on their way, so I told Kenny about it and thanked him for the offer. If Kenny had offered first, I would have gone with him. I felt weird, accepting a ride from the woman I had been deeply in love with so many years ago. Not just that, it made it more weird that she was coming with her husband.

By the time I had signed my release papers it was about 8 pm. Nobody showed up to discuss the $350 that I could not afford, and I was given the crutches and told "you are good to go" making it clear that I needed to leave.

So there I was, sitting outside the emergency entrance of Bethesda Hospital waiting on my ex and a man I've never met in my life. Time was going so slow, that during the entire time I was waiting, the thought "this is a mistake" repeated over and over dozens of times.

I've learned to keep my expectations low from anyone that would offer me help in any way. I tried to walk around with the crutches while having my backpack on my back, holding the small bag of clothes and my bag of food. I realized that it would take me even longer to get back to Delray Beach. I'd have to take breaks during the walk; i was certain that it may be 5-6 hours before I got back to my spot and that the walk probably would hurt my feet further. I've had no choice than to wait for my ride.

She showed up with her husband, who was very friendly and caring. I was surprised but also cautious. Once she said that they needed to park to "talk to me" I knew something was up. I was in the back seat without any way out (not like I could run away). I remembered how good she was at getting her way.

They parked the car, then she offered me to be stay with them a few days, so my feet could heal. My thoughts were "no no no! get to your spot! safe there! don't trust!". Then her husband also joined in telling me he wanted to help me. I was tired, in pain and felt worn out. I could see that she cared about me; even thought I could not figure out why she would, after all these years.

I had to clear my head, feelings get in the way of survival. My heart wanted to get me the hell out of the car; my head was telling me to take the offer. Between both of them insisting and my head... I reluctantly agreed.

Keeping quiet in the back seat, I tried to keep my mind blank to keep my fears at bay. I entered their home and met her father and his wife. Back in the day I hadn't met him when we were together, only her mother who I remember was a good and kind woman.

I was able to take a shower and get a change of clothes to sleep in. I was given a healing cream that is specifically for feet. She wanted to do laundry to clean my clothes, I had no energy to argue about it, so I agreed. A sofa was ready for me to sleep. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep. Unbeknownst to me she took this picture.

She sent it to me this morning. Her comment was "you looked cute". I woke up, fell back to sleep and then woke up a second time at 9 am. She kindly made me breakfast and I used more of the healing cream, noticing that my feet were a bit better.

Most of my fear was gone, but was still cautious. About 2 hours later she asked me to go to her garage, showed me a bike which was going to be thrown out and offered it to me. I accepted, better I use it than having it thrown out.

My walls are still up emotionally, but I feel I can trust them for the time being. I didn't have time to update my "Letters of my Life" blog yesterday but I will find time today to post there.

Out of respect I won't show any pictures of her or her family (nor will I use their names).

I will post again tomorrow.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

It's one of those days where things are mixed. And yes, "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" is one of my favorite films. Spaghetti Westerns FTW.

I woke up at 7 am and knew things with my feet had deteriorated even before I looked at them. The pain and itch had increased to the point that I now have a noticeable limp. When the issue started my left foot was in better shape than the right one. Now the situation has reversed, it is the right foot that I have to lean on because when I put weight on the left foot the pain is excruciating.

The medicine I got from the pharmacy don't seem to have any effect. It's quite possible that the bacterial infection may be too advanced for the treatment to counter it. So there you have, the ugly.

I did some further research (because I really don't want to end up in the hospital) and found out that a homemade recipe recommends soaking the feet in water with salt.

Being homeless there is no place for me to do that, but I got to thinking... the beach, ocean water has salt...  bingo!

I left Dunkin Donuts (where I hang out every morning) at around 9:30 am and walked all the way to the beach. It was a long and painful walk but the trolley was taking too long. I wanted to get there asap.

Fortunately I've got a towel, that I found 2 weeks ago, at the same beach. Even though it was early, the sun was out and it was nice and warm. It's been a while since I had seen the beauty of Delray Beach.

Laying down the towel, I set up my little spot at the beach with my backpack, bag of clothes and bag of leftover foods from last night (Starbucks). Taking off my sneakers and socks was painful, but as soon as I walked on the wet sand near the water, the pain subsided enough to make me smile.

Not having shorts, I had to roll up my jeans up as much as I could over my ankles. It was futile anyways, a few waves went to shore higher than expected and I had wet jeans.

It was worth it, the water was cool and most of the pain was gone and no sense of itch whatsoever. The sand had tiny chunks of shells everywhere. This is not the good part by the way.

The good part... was seeing so many couples young and old, families with children all over the beach. Their smiles, laughs and love for each other was everywhere around me. It made me feel better about myself; reminded me that like so many others I could find love again.

I soaked my feet in three different occasions, laying on my towel in between; enjoying the sun and the sight of the people around the beach.

At 12:30 pm I left the beach, washed my feet at the nearby shower, dried them and then went through the excruciating pain of putting the socks and sneakers back on. That was the bad.

I caught the trolley and now I'm at the library typing this post. There you have it, the good, the bad and the ugly of my day so far.

Later today I will update the "Homeless Survival Guide" blog and post a new entry in the "Letters of my Life" blog.

That's pretty much it for today's blog here.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis