Besides having body image issues, physical pain, depression, socialization issues, I now feel worthless. I thought a few more months... and I could truly start rebuilding my life. Get a driver's licence, buy a van and begin to hustle by learning woodworking and becoming an artisan. Work hard, buy a tiny house and become independent... new life.
Only a few people know the truth, the embarrassing truth about my marriage. I've said a few times on Facebook that "Love is blind, but it can also blind you". I speak from experience. I knew my wife over 20 years, was married to her twice (yeah, twice).
The first time it lasted 3 months, after which she demanded an annulment. I was heart broken then and didn't know what I had done wrong. Later on I found out she had cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend (she had been with him for 12 years).
Two years later we reconnected and re-married. Our marriage was far from perfect, we split up three times. Still we'd always end up back together because I felt she truly loved me more than anyone in the world.
You would think after 19 years of marriage, I'd be a legal resident, or an american by now. Nope. I was blind. When we got married (the second time) we both worked and it took months for her to start the process. Halfway through it she stopped it, claiming that as soon as I got legal I would leave her.
I'm not an angel, I've made a lot of stupid choices in my life. Things I regret. However there are a few things which were sacred to me even when I was young and stupid. One of those things, was marriage. I would never marry someone I did not love, and I would never marry for convenience, no matter what. That holds true to this day.
My grandmother tried several times to get me married when I came to the states at the age of 18. I would refuse to even meet any females to have an arranged marriage even if it would've made my life easier.
So, there it was. My wife thought I had married her for convenience and was insecure. Because I loved her, I told her that I didn't care about being legal, that all I wanted was her. She replied that once she felt confident she would start the process again.
Over the years, on occasion I would bring it up, to be told "next year" or "we don't have the money for it right now". Once she became legally disabled, her brother was to be my "sponsor" and he gave me the exact same replies.
After 15 years, I gave up on becoming legal and just accepted it. I had my wife and her brother (+ 2 kids) and sister, a family. I never imagined a life without her. Losing her after complications of her bariatric surgery devastated me. Over a year after her passing, it got to the point that I attempted suicide.
Then after that I was kicked out of the family because of it. I was homeless. If it wasn't for Summer and her husband David I'd still be walking the streets. She helped me find an immigration lawyer, who in turn said because I had been married for so long, that I had a chance to become legal.
Of course then we find out my wife's brother had lied in the death certificate stating she had been divorced. Fixing that legally took months which slowed down the submission of my case. It's been about a year since I hired my lawyer, and I'm looking at another year of being a nobody, a non-existent person that has no real value in society without a future.
I can build a computer, survive in the streets, I can be there for others, but as a person I feel that I have no worth, no value, a zero. Summer has said I'm smart, and when I recently shared my feelings of being worthless she was concerned about suicide. I assured her that will never happen to me, ever again.
I'm not suicidal, I just feel like I wasted my life loving someone who didn't truly cared about me. I loved a family that threw me away like I was garbage. Therefore... worthless.
Whenever I read a Facebook post of someone feeling sad for some reason, I almost immediately relate and post a reply showing my moral support hoping to make the person feel better because I know exactly how shitty it can be to feel sad/depressed and/or alone.
My xmas was ok, the best part was seeing Summer and David open the presents I got them which they didn't expect.
I'm not giving up mind you, I've been stepped on by people I cared for most of my life and remembering that, hurts, every time, even decades later. I'm a survivor, I know that, but the way I feel is not going away.
Washing cars day after day is painful and boring (with a few exceptions like when someone shows up in a 1.2 million dollar ride as you can see below).
It blows me away to see some of the cars I get to work on. But I would love to legally drive a beat up van so I could be my own boss, rebuild my life and maybe meet new friends. Because who in their right mind would like to be friends with someone without a future?
I thought I was a few months away from truly getting my life together.... now I'm at least a year away from it. That is if I win my case.
Here is hoping to 2018 being a better year for me and everyone else.
Thanks for reading and may you and your loved ones be safe and healthy.
Bidet and Beep Beep from Florida!
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