Friday, November 10, 2017

How Critical Role helped me survive

It seems like every time I make a post, months have passed since the previous one. Here is my abbreviated story of how Critical Role helped me survive the past few years.

I began watching Critical Role as soon as it started back in March of 2015, before the show had the current look with the cool background and intro. At the time my wife was going through medical issues related to her weight (she was over 350 lbs).

Back in the 90's I played D&D when I lived in Brooklyn, NY (before I was married). Watching CR brought back good memories and I became a fan almost instantly. Not only did the show made me feel nostalgic, it became an escape from the reality I was going through.

My wife was unable to lose weight on her own so in the middle of 2015 she decided that bariatric surgery was the solution, I supported her choice along with the rest of the family.

The surgeon she picked had a few requirements, change of diet, psychiatrist approval and... losing 50 lbs. She was so determined to get the surgery done, that she stuck to the diet given to her (with occasional cheat days) and within a few months she reached the goal.

I never expressed any concern, I was always confident that she'd make it through and we'd be able to move on to the next step of our lives. We made plans for the future.

During this time, Critical Role was an escape. Any thoughts of "what if this or that goes wrong" would vanish as soon as the show started. Those thoughts would take days to return... and then it would be Thursday again.

The surgery happened at the end of 2015 and things go downhill... she was supposed to return to me within a week. Weeks pass... she becomes unresponsive... months pass... she ends up in Hospice... and in January of 2016 she is gone.

During that entire time I watched Critical Role and it helped me cope with the situation, as it slowly turned into a nightmare. My marriage wasn't perfect, but losing her affected me deeply. It sent me into a deep depression that I was able to hide from my family.

Watching Critical Role allowed me to enjoy something without feeling guilt. For a short period of time every Thursday I was able to smile, even to laugh at the silly impromptu comedy that would ensue among Vox Machina and their allies or enemies.

I was on a self destructive path...suicide. But every time I watched CR I forgot about my dark plans. There were times when I was almost sure to take the 60 pills I had saved to end my pain... and then I would think "Thursday is almost here... I really want to see what happens next" and I would postpone it (that and a Marvel movie that was coming up).

In June of 2016 I lost it and took the pills. I miraculously survived and then soon after became homeless. During my 7 months of walking the streets of South Florida I was fortunate to have my old phone with me. Almost every Thursday I would be outside a closed Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks or anywhere I could find free wi-fi to watch Critical Role.

If for some reason I could not watch it (and there were a few times when it wasn't safe to do so) then the following Monday, I would watch it on Youtube.

Being homeless is not easy, you worry about everything. Will I eat today? Will someone give me some work so I have pocket money? Will I find a safe spot to sleep tonight? Will someone rob me? (that happened a few times) Can I find clean clothes this week? It is stressful... imagine the Vecna fight, multiply that about ten fold... that is how I felt.

Yet... every time I would watch CR my mind was transported to Tal'dorei and the heroes of Vox Machina. I remember a night when it was raining, and I was sitting outside a Dunkin Donuts smiling as I was looking at my phone watching Critical Role.

I can't remember what episode, or what exactly was happening... except that Scanlan had said something funny and I was laughing... in the middle of the night with no place to call home, no family... no real friends and all that didn't matter... Scanlan had made me laugh.

It's been a year since a friend took me in, leaving my homeless life behind me. My life is a bit easier, but there is still stress, moments of depression because of the uncertain future I face... but no dark path as before. It is gone. I want to live, to enjoy life... to perhaps find love again, to embrace new challenges and of course... to continue enjoying my favorite show, Critical Role.

If I could hug every single person responsible for making the show possible, I would. But since I can't do that... last week I was able to show my support for the show by finally getting what I always wanted...


I can't afford to get Amazon Prime yet (which would give me Twitch Prime and I could subscribe to the G&S channel) but I should have enough by Christmas as a present for myself.

Shameless plug ahead.

I've opened my own Secret Shop to provide Image/Video Editing and Video Intros/Outros exclusively for Hoomans & Critters. Hopefully I'll be able to make a few more fellow geeks happy with my work.

Thanks for reading and may you and your loved ones be safe and healthy.

Bidet and Beep Beep from Florida!

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