Feeling Worthless

The title says it all. Been feeling that way for weeks. Since my lawyer told me that my case won't be reviewed for at least a year.

Besides having body image issues, physical pain, depression, socialization issues, I now feel worthless. I thought a few more months... and I could truly start rebuilding my life. Get a driver's licence, buy a van and begin to hustle by learning woodworking and becoming an artisan. Work hard, buy a tiny house and become independent... new life.

Only a few people know the truth, the embarrassing truth about my marriage. I've said a few times on Facebook that "Love is blind, but it can also blind you". I speak from experience. I knew my wife over 20 years, was married to her twice (yeah, twice).

The first time it lasted 3 months, after which she demanded an annulment. I was heart broken then and didn't know what I had done wrong. Later on I found out she had cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend (she had been with him for 12 years).

Two years later we reconnected and re-married. Our marriage was far from perfect, we split up three times. Still we'd always end up back together because I felt she truly loved me more than anyone in the world.

You would think after 19 years of marriage, I'd be a legal resident, or an american by now. Nope. I was blind. When we got married (the second time) we both worked and it took months for her to start the process. Halfway through it she stopped it, claiming that as soon as I got legal I would leave her.

I'm not an angel, I've made a lot of stupid choices in my life. Things I regret. However there are a few things which were sacred to me even when I was young and stupid. One of those things, was marriage. I would never marry someone I did not love, and I would never marry for convenience, no matter what. That holds true to this day.

My grandmother tried several times to get me married when I came to the states at the age of 18. I would refuse to even meet any females to have an arranged marriage even if it would've made my life easier.

So, there it was. My wife thought I had married her for convenience and was insecure. Because I loved her, I told her that I didn't care about being legal, that all I wanted was her. She replied that once she felt confident she would start the process again.

Over the years, on occasion I would bring it up, to be told "next year" or "we don't have the money for it right now". Once she became legally disabled, her brother was to be my "sponsor" and he gave me the exact same replies.

After 15 years, I gave up on becoming legal and just accepted it. I had my wife and her brother (+ 2 kids) and sister, a family. I never imagined a life without her. Losing her after complications of her bariatric surgery devastated me. Over a year after her passing, it got to the point that I attempted suicide.

Then after that I was kicked out of the family because of it. I was homeless. If it wasn't for Summer and her husband David I'd still be walking the streets. She helped me find an immigration lawyer, who in turn said because I had been married for so long, that I had a chance to become legal.

Of course then we find out my wife's brother had lied in the death certificate stating she had been divorced. Fixing that legally took months which slowed down the submission of my case. It's been about a year since I hired my lawyer, and I'm looking at another year of being a nobody, a non-existent person that has no real value in society without a future.

I can build a computer, survive in the streets, I can be there for others, but as a person I feel that I have no worth, no value, a zero. Summer has said I'm smart, and when I recently shared my feelings of being worthless she was concerned about suicide. I assured her that will never happen to me, ever again.

I'm not suicidal, I just feel like I wasted my life loving someone who didn't truly cared about me. I loved a family that threw me away like I was garbage. Therefore... worthless.

Whenever I read a Facebook post of someone feeling sad for some reason, I almost immediately relate and post a reply showing my moral support hoping to make the person feel better because I know exactly how shitty it can be to feel sad/depressed and/or alone.

My xmas was ok, the best part was seeing Summer and David open the presents I got them which they didn't expect.

Being there for others makes me feel alive, makes me forget that I have no future. The Critical Role one-shots have been amusing, but nothing in comparison to the campaign which helped me survive the past 2 years.

I'm not giving up mind you, I've been stepped on by people I cared for most of my life and remembering that, hurts, every time, even decades later. I'm a survivor, I know that, but the way I feel is not going away.

Washing cars day after day is painful and boring (with a few exceptions like when someone shows up in a 1.2 million dollar ride as you can see below).

 

It blows me away to see some of the cars I get to work on. But I would love to legally drive a beat up van so I could be my own boss, rebuild my life and maybe meet new friends. Because who in their right mind would like to be friends with someone without a future?

I thought I was a few months away from truly getting my life together.... now I'm at least a year away from it. That is if I win my case.

Here is hoping to 2018 being a better year for me and everyone else.

Thanks for reading and may you and your loved ones be safe and healthy.

Bidet and Beep Beep from Florida!

How Critical Role helped me survive

It seems like every time I make a post, months have passed since the previous one. Here is my abbreviated story of how Critical Role helped me survive the past few years.

I began watching Critical Role as soon as it started back in March of 2015, before the show had the current look with the cool background and intro. At the time my wife was going through medical issues related to her weight (she was over 350 lbs).

Back in the 90's I played D&D when I lived in Brooklyn, NY (before I was married). Watching CR brought back good memories and I became a fan almost instantly. Not only did the show made me feel nostalgic, it became an escape from the reality I was going through.

My wife was unable to lose weight on her own so in the middle of 2015 she decided that bariatric surgery was the solution, I supported her choice along with the rest of the family.

The surgeon she picked had a few requirements, change of diet, psychiatrist approval and... losing 50 lbs. She was so determined to get the surgery done, that she stuck to the diet given to her (with occasional cheat days) and within a few months she reached the goal.

I never expressed any concern, I was always confident that she'd make it through and we'd be able to move on to the next step of our lives. We made plans for the future.

During this time, Critical Role was an escape. Any thoughts of "what if this or that goes wrong" would vanish as soon as the show started. Those thoughts would take days to return... and then it would be Thursday again.

The surgery happened at the end of 2015 and things go downhill... she was supposed to return to me within a week. Weeks pass... she becomes unresponsive... months pass... she ends up in Hospice... and in January of 2016 she is gone.

During that entire time I watched Critical Role and it helped me cope with the situation, as it slowly turned into a nightmare. My marriage wasn't perfect, but losing her affected me deeply. It sent me into a deep depression that I was able to hide from my family.

Watching Critical Role allowed me to enjoy something without feeling guilt. For a short period of time every Thursday I was able to smile, even to laugh at the silly impromptu comedy that would ensue among Vox Machina and their allies or enemies.

I was on a self destructive path...suicide. But every time I watched CR I forgot about my dark plans. There were times when I was almost sure to take the 60 pills I had saved to end my pain... and then I would think "Thursday is almost here... I really want to see what happens next" and I would postpone it (that and a Marvel movie that was coming up).

In June of 2016 I lost it and took the pills. I miraculously survived and then soon after became homeless. During my 7 months of walking the streets of South Florida I was fortunate to have my old phone with me. Almost every Thursday I would be outside a closed Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks or anywhere I could find free wi-fi to watch Critical Role.

If for some reason I could not watch it (and there were a few times when it wasn't safe to do so) then the following Monday, I would watch it on Youtube.

Being homeless is not easy, you worry about everything. Will I eat today? Will someone give me some work so I have pocket money? Will I find a safe spot to sleep tonight? Will someone rob me? (that happened a few times) Can I find clean clothes this week? It is stressful... imagine the Vecna fight, multiply that about ten fold... that is how I felt.

Yet... every time I would watch CR my mind was transported to Tal'dorei and the heroes of Vox Machina. I remember a night when it was raining, and I was sitting outside a Dunkin Donuts smiling as I was looking at my phone watching Critical Role.

I can't remember what episode, or what exactly was happening... except that Scanlan had said something funny and I was laughing... in the middle of the night with no place to call home, no family... no real friends and all that didn't matter... Scanlan had made me laugh.

It's been a year since a friend took me in, leaving my homeless life behind me. My life is a bit easier, but there is still stress, moments of depression because of the uncertain future I face... but no dark path as before. It is gone. I want to live, to enjoy life... to perhaps find love again, to embrace new challenges and of course... to continue enjoying my favorite show, Critical Role.

If I could hug every single person responsible for making the show possible, I would. But since I can't do that... last week I was able to show my support for the show by finally getting what I always wanted...

I can't afford to get Amazon Prime yet (which would give me Twitch Prime and I could subscribe to the G&S channel) but I should have enough by Christmas as a present for myself.

Shameless plug ahead.

I've opened my own Secret Shop to provide Image/Video Editing and Video Intros/Outros exclusively for Hoomans & Critters. Hopefully I'll be able to make a few more fellow geeks happy with my work.

Thanks for reading and may you and your loved ones be safe and healthy.

Bidet and Beep Beep from Florida!

To my fellow Critters/Hoomans

It's been 3 months since I posted on this blog. I never changed the title because even though I now have a place that I call home, I still in many ways feel homeless.

I dedicate this post to my fellow Hoomans/Critters that are going through a rough time who have recently posted on our Facebook groups. This post may be a little long, also NSFW.

A (somewhat) quick summary of how I ended up homeless is in order. January 2015, my wife of 19 years dies in hospice, complications after bariatric surgery ends her life. For most of our marriage her brother (with a son and daughter) and sister lived with us, we were a pretty solid family. The first 3 months after her passing I slept a lot, would barely talk and all I could feel was darkness around me.

Then my brother-in-law, whom I considered a brother... demanded that I stop it because my behavior was affecting his kids. So, I pretended to come out of the depression, and I made them believe that I was fine. I kept it all inside, the hurt, the dark emotions, everything. Meanwhile... I was planning my suicide with my wife's old meds, enough to triple overdose. I figured if the pills could kill 9 men, it was a sure shot. I actually kept postponing it because I wanted to see the second Avengers movie... still a geek/nerd to the end.

In June of 2016 I snapped, in the middle of the night on a Thursday I walked to the pool area of the complex, walked into the bathroom with a bottle of water and 60 pills. Fortunately a cop in his vehicle had seen me and investigated, finding me unresponsive.

Paramedics revived me, and I woke up in a hospital with a tube down my throat the next day. I could not breathe on my own due to all the stuff I had taken. My body had no permanent damage. 3 days later, tube is removed, and 4 days after that I'm told that I can either sign myself for some help or I would be "bakerized".

Realizing I needed help, I signed and was transferred to another hospital's psych ward. I went through therapy, lots of sessions and within a few weeks doctors declare that I'm fit to leave.

During that entire period of time, only once my brother and my niece dropped by (at the first hospital) and he was angry rather than concerned. I told him to leave because I didn't want the hospital to try and stick him with the medical bills.

I call the house to let them know I'm being released and that I'm better now, to come pick me up. Nobody answers, I leave a message. I got no money, only a bus ticket that was provided by the hospital. I don't even know how to get home. Hours go by. I decide to walk home.

8 hours later, I reach home at night and he is outside, waiting for me. I'm tired, but happy that my brother was there. My smile faded when he told me I was no longer part of the family, that I had ruined everything. He gave me a backpack with some of my clothes, my wallet, my old phone which was deactivated, $30 and told me to go north.

They were the only family I had left after my wife died, and I was thrown to the streets as if 20 years of being a member of the family meant nothing.

I was homeless for 7 months, ate out of dumpsters, panhandled, slept on concrete or cardboard. I was threatened on a regular basis by other homeless (which I could handle fortunately), shot at with air soft guns in the middle of the night while sleeping near the beach, empty beer bottles thrown at me and oh yeah, got robbed a few times. Countless of police officers questioning me as to why I was in the area, frisking me for weapons/drugs and most of the time telling me to move out of their jurisdiction on to the next city/county if I knew what was good for me.

So many homeless that were mentally ill, drug addicts and alcoholics that could not climb themselves out of their situation... I met a lot of them during the time I was walking the streets.

Once I hit Delray Beach, things got a bit easier since the cops there were much more lenient and kind. I got lucky when an ex of mine found me on Facebook, she and her husband helped me out by picking me up once in a while for a hot shower and laundry. A few weeks later (Thanksgiving 2016) I was invited to dinner and at the end of the meal I was told that they would not let me go back to the streets, that I could stay and they were willing to help me get my life back together. They had unanimously agreed to do it.

Been with them since, learning that I had a $600 debt which originally had been $275 of court fees from an old parking ticket from 2008, among other things (I'm in debt). I found work at a car wash through Craigslist 2 weeks ago, where most of my cash is based on tips from 9am to 6pm, weekdays I make about $15-$30, and on good days (weekends) twice that. Still, if it's cloudy or raining, chances are we closing early, not working at all or just staying all day for a few cars making very little.

I'm struggling, but still happy to have a place to call home, being a part of a new family and knowing there are people who have it much tougher than me out there.

My fellow Hooman/Critter, if you are having a tough time, remember... you are not alone, we're here for you. We open our arms in the virtual world we share, with love, compassion and understanding. Look forward to tomorrow, a new day, a new sunrise and the many entertaining ways to relieve stress that Felicia Day, Geek & Sundry and the cast of Critical Role have provided us.

Be pleased, beep beep and Bidet to you my friend.

Sincerely

Luis O.
Hooman Critter

Where to start...

April, May, June and July... four months that come every year. Most people's lives go on without big events dropping on their heads one after another.

These past four months have been crazy. I'm not exaggerating here. My new family have gone through hell. I mean literately, not figuratively. The AC in the house for months was not working properly, combined with Summer's menopause which causes hot flashes... she was in hell.

My dear friend carries a lot of weight on her shoulders, keeping the house afloat financially, keeping track of everyone's well being and sometimes forgetting her own. Often it is hard for me to look at her when she is in pain, knowing that all I can give her is moral support and to stay out of her way.

Beginning of April was hard, David's test results came back from the Cardiologist and it looked bad, his heart had not healed and another surgery was likely. He is sent home pending a second opinion. The second week of April Summer pulls her hip out and back so she goes to the doctor, then takes David to the hospital to do some paperwork while she is in pain.

The third week... David and me get a cold (I get a high fever of 102). Summer makes sure we take meds and then... she gets a Sinus infection, both ears are infected, upper respiratory infection and a stomach virus.

Even while she was sick, she cooked for the family. The amount of fortitude the woman has is impressive. Summer felt worse and had to once again, go to a doctor. Doc tells her to rest for 4 days... did she rest? not really.

May is a tough month for Summer, with pain and stress almost on a daily basis. After going to the doctor... she needs surgery to remove her remaining ovary because it's the source of a lot of her pain. Also Xfinity showed up about 3 dozen times trying to fix a problem where at times the service goes down and Summer can't go online, watch TV or Netflix (which I got her into). Without entertainment she is even more stressed that usual.

She carries on like a trooper while the AC continues to malfunction during hot Florida days (and nights). The occasional rain makes her day a bit easier.

Second week of June, the surgery takes place and David and I step up to make sure she is comfortable and take care of her for the following few weeks.

You would think that things would let up... a break from all the stuff raining down on the family. But no, not yet. End of June... Summer has such strong migraines that an emergency CT scan of her brain is needed. Fortunately it looks normal.

Then comes July 3rd, one of the hardest days of the year for the entire family. Zoe, the little dog which she adopted 3 years ago had to be taken to the Pet Emergency Center. She had over 100 stones and sand in her bladder. Summer had to choose between a surgery that would save Zoe which would put her thousands of dollars in debt or do nothing and see her baby die within a few days.

Of course she saves Zoe. Instead of one surgery, two were needed. I helped her start a Gofundme page which ran for weeks that covered part of the insane amount of medical bills from the vet.

Meanwhile, Summer who was still recovering from surgery, cares for Zoe day and night because the poor little thing even with meds was in pain (like her mom).

Luckily the overwhelming moral support and prayers from several Facebook groups dedicated to pet owners and rescued dogs helped Summer and Zoe overcome such a hard time. Unfortunately this also reminder my friend of her beloved Mushi (she passed away this year).

As things were improving... July 8 someone spent hundreds of dollars on iTunes using Summer's credit card. Her bank reversed the charges once they figured out someone else had done it. Still, it was another mess she did not need.

More doctors visits and tests, as follow up to Summer's surgery. Mind you that during all these months, Summer does her best to stay calm even with all the crazy stuff that happened. She does break down every week or so, but who wouldn't with all the things that I've described so far (yes, so far).

July 21 at 7am, there is a flood in the house caused by a broken hose that connects to the dishwasher. Half the house is 3"-4" underwater, ruining the dinning room set, both recliners, bedroom set, kitchen and much more.

Working together with David using 2 dry/wet vacs we manage to take care of the water. The entire house is filled with large industrial dehumidifiers running 24/7 (imagine trying to sleep through that for the past 3 days). Then that night David slipped and tripped over one of the dehumidifiers and went right into the China cabinet and cuts his arm (thank god he is fine).

Their bed is ruined and they end up sleeping on the ruined recliners while I sleep on the sofa. Today the dehumidifiers are removed. There is even more stuff, but I think I've shared enough to paint a clear picture.

My new family has gone through hell for the past 8 months. I pray for everyone here, but it seems like god is testing, and testing and testing. Somehow my friend is still standing.

I wish I could do more, but I got my own legal problems up in the air, more emotional baggage that I care to mention and an uncertain future.

Still, I'm happy to be here and off the streets with my new family.

God help us.

May you walk in the light of God.
Sincerely.
Luis

An overdue update

To say an update is overdue, would be an understatement. So much has happened, this post would be too long if I went into detail, so I will condense a bit.

But before that, a little disclaimer. For privacy reasons, I will change the names of people involved from here on out.

Soon after the previous post which was back in December of 2016, Summer's husband had a heart attack. David had trouble breathing at home and she called 911. Had she not make that call, he certainly wouldn't be with us today.

Twice his heart stopped in the hospital and twice the good people there brought him back to life. Summer was devastated. I tried to be there for her as much as I could. She is a strong woman, always was, but she would cry often. David's wasn't the only heart which had broken.

His heart was badly damaged and went through surgeries for doctors to repair as much as possible. Weeks went by before he was allowed to come home. I wish I could say "and then everything was fine"... I wish.

Due to the remaining damage to his heart, he has to wear (still to this day) a vest that is a portable defibrillator 24/7. It will sound a loud alarm if anything goes wrong and if it detects that his heart has stopped it will shock him.

Both myself and Summer feared leaving him alone, wherever he went, one of us would be with him. Always concerned for his health. This kind man who had agreed to take me in, had returned to his home, weakened and stuck with a device strapped to his chest that he could not live without.

Many nights both of us would check on him while he was sleeping, to make sure he was alright. I helped as much as I could to help care for him. Between the medication, the strict diet that Summer put him on and the combined efforts of the entire family David slowly began to recover.

He went from being easily tired at the time he returned home, to now being able to drive on his own (but still wearing the vest). I try to go with him whenever possible without being intrusive. I know he wants to feel normal again, independent and able to do normal things. Who wants a passenger to just to get a gallon of milk?

I know sometimes he feels annoyed, but his heart is still damaged and I wouldn't want him to be alone if something happens while he out of the house, among a bunch of strangers if he is out driving or shopping.

And that is just a glance at what happened between December and now at the place I now call home. Well... there is more, much more. I worked at an Italian Festival, I'm on Fiverr and... well, I'll try to post again sometime this week with more details.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Productive Sunday

Today I went out shopping with my ex and her husband who like me likes SciFi and action movies. She bought her self a desk so I can use her old desk for my personal use. Her husband and I built the new desk in about 2 hours without much trouble.

Thanks to my ex, I got back everything that was at my former family's household last week. My clothes, my laptop, my desktop, my collection of anime (yes I have a large set of burned DVD's), etc. In a few days she'll move everything from her old desk to the new and then I'll have a desk for my old desktop.

I'm selling my laptop so I can contribute to my new family. I used to make money online before, but things here are different. I can't go and store 200 boxes/envelopes of items to sell on Ebay. Buying and selling locally seems to be a good start, to build capital so then I can figure out a business venture which won't require me to store things here.

I'm thinking affiliate marketing, and I'm guessing that it will take me about 3 months to learn how to do it properly. I know there are online courses out there but I can't afford them and I'm fine with that. I learned everything about buying/selling on Ebay and Amazon through Youtube videos; I think there is a good chance that I could learn about affiliate marketing that way (I hope).

I could also develop some skills and create some hand made products to sell on Etsy or dive into e-book publishing (which does require about $1000 to start with).

To be honest, I feel pretty useless. Yes I walk the dogs, help out when it comes to anything related to computers (there are a few in the house) and contribute to keeping the house clean and doing dishes but I feel I'm not doing enough. I refuse to be a burden, so I need to come up with some ideas.

I'll be reaching out to the Hooman and Critical Role community for some ideas. Meanwhile I did this image for her as a way to show my appreciation. I've edited so her name is not shown.

I used to dabble in Photoshop, finding templates is easy enough, I hope she likes it. That is all for today.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Recap and Update

Ok, for those who recently found out that I was homeless, here is a recap and update.

Was married for 19 years to a woman who was jealous and controlling. She kept me in fear of being deported, my blind love kept me from living a full life. During that time I worked off the books, all my entertainment was pretty much online. Thanks to Anarchy Online (an MMO game) and other online multiplayer games I was able to avoid depression.

In Jan 14th of 2015 my wife died, and I became extremely depressed because she was my whole world. Her family (brother + 2 kids and sister) lived with us. 3 months after her passing I was told by my brother in law to stop being so depressed because it was affecting his children. I pretended to get out of depression, while at the same time thinking suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I must clarify that the thoughts were to harm myself, never others.

In Jul of 2015 my brother in law demanded that I came up with more money for the family. Within a day I came up with a business plan to run different streams of income between Ebay, Amazon FBA (Fulfillment by Amazon), OfferUp and Craigslist. They agreed to my plan, however for the first 6 months I had to practically beg for them to pull their own weight since they had agreed to work with me to build the several business ventures I was working very hard on.

Working every day, learning how to make money online kept my depression in check. I was still depressed, but between focusing on business and exercise I was able to keep all the negative feelings inside. I was glad to be able to help the family, to be able to buy things for the house and the kids that they wanted.

It all ended in June of 2016. One day my "brother" just told me "shut everything down" because he felt I was not making enough money for the family. I tried to explain that it takes time to build things up, that I could turn $10 into $50, but that his expectations were unrealistic. He expected me to turn $10 into $50 and then give him the $50 leaving me nothing to re-invest. Mind you the $10/$50 is an example.

I worked so hard for so long, watching hundreds of Youtube videos, going through dozens of websites, reading and watching everything I could avoid mistakes and learn how to do things right. I picked, researched, packed and shipped every item. They barely did a thing, and I would buy whatever was needed, give whatever I could while building the businesses.

That day everything that I had pushed down came up. My depression went into high gear. I had planned my suicide for a long time, and I felt I had nothing to keep me grounded any longer. I shut everything down as he ordered, and 3 days later I tried to commit suicide.

I survived, overcame my depression thanks to professional help. After walking for 8 hours (I had no money and my "family" never picked me up even after leaving several messages), I got home to be told by my brother in law that I was out of the family. I was given a backpack with some clothes, my phone (which only worked on WiFi), my wallet and some money.  He said I could not contact him, his sister or his kids and to start walking north.

For 19 years I was married to his sister, knew him even before he got married, before he got kids, before his ex died of cancer. All the years of being part of the family, didn't matter to him. He even said "everything was perfect and you messed it all up" before he told me to go north.

For 6 months I lived on the streets. At the beginning eating out of dumpsters before I figured out how to find a soup kitchen. An ex-girlfriend found me on Facebook and helped me out, first taking me in a few days when I was in crutches. Later on I was invited for Thanksgiving, to be then surprised to be told that I was not leaving, that they would take me in, that I was now part of their family.

So here I am, in a safe place. My feet are still healing, but getting better every week. I got no money, but I sleep comfortably on a leather sofa every night, I have meals, I get to have a hot shower every day. Every day I'm happy to help by walking the dogs (which I really like and they got used to me now) and do some house chores. I'm very grateful to be here, thank god.

I'm broke, but I'm safe. It's a good start.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Critical Role!

I've mentioned Critical Role before, and now I'm about to watch it from a place I call home! from a sofa! not outside Dunkin Donuts with my phone hooked up to a power outlet hoping the WiFi holds.

Wohoo!!!!

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

The Unexpected

Four days since the last entry to my journal. It feels like a month. It's so hard to express how I feel right now. I was supposed to be here, in my ex's home for a few days to celebrate Thanksgiving with her family. There is a proverb that says "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." and that is exactly what happened.

For almost 20 years I had a family, and in one day I lost that family. That event lead me to become homeless, and on my own. I got used to living on the streets. This week, in one day... I got a new family and I'm off the streets.

It is very difficult for me to type this, I'm very emotional right now. I knew it would not be easy to post this on my blog. It's the main reason why I'm doing this in the middle of the night, 11:30 pm to be exact.

Everyone is asleep in the house, a home I now live in. I sleep on the leather sofa which is heaven in comparison to where I used to sleep. I won't miss having to lay down on layers of cardboard every night, but I won't forget it either.

To wake up and know I can say "good morning" to people that actually care about me is a blessing which I'm grateful to them and to God. I try not to mention religion in my blog. I feel it is a personal choice, and I've never liked people who preach about their faith too much. My connection to the Lord is simple, I speak in private either verbally or with my thoughts and I do my best to listen.

Saturday night, my ex asked me if I could stay until Tuesday. because she needed to install a new TV at her mother's house for her birthday. I gladly agreed, another few days with a roof over my head sounded good to me.

Sunday afternoon she tells me that didn't want me to go back to the streets. She then went on to say everyone in the house had agreed to take me in. Her father, her stepmother and her husband had unanimously decided that I could live with them. The word unexpected falls short to describe the moment. If that wasn't enough, she told me I was part of her family.

Family means a lot to me, so for her to say that, knowing it was coming from her heart... it meant a lot.

Out of respect, I won't use the names of my new family, however I will show you my new furry roommates. The first two belong to my ex, the last one belongs to her father and stepmother.

This is Mushi, she barks for attention.

This is Zoe, she will eat anything.

This is Apache, the big boy.

I enjoy walking them. I had at one time considered becoming a dog walker, but I lacked the experience and reference to do it, and yeah... the fact that I was homeless sort of ended that idea.

The past few days has been a dream. I have a place to call home, where I can take a shower, keep my clothes, a safe place with good people that are helping me put my life back together. A totally unexpected situation, one which I'm glad to be in.

In the morning my ex tried to wake me up several times. The plan was for me to help her install a new TV for her mother, as a birthday gift. Instead she did it on her own, because I was deep asleep. I feel bad that when she was counting on me I wouldn't wake up. I intend to make it up to her somehow, even though she insists that it's alright. Her friendship means a lot to me.

I won't waste the opportunity she is giving me to rebuild my life. I'll share some more tomorrow.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

A Sweet and Itchy Thankgiving

It's 5 am and I haven't slept thanks to my itchy feet which are still recovering. Even with anti-itch cream, which helped a bit. Still, last night was wonderful. The meal was great, my ex and her stepmother made everything from scratch. I met my ex's relatives. I had already met her cousin who is polite to me, not sure if she likes me or not.

Her 89 yrs old aunt who is on a wheelchair was very social, I was mostly listening to her tell me about her life. She was a lovely woman. Her son made a homemade cheesecake based on her recipe and it was beyond delicious. I haven't had homemade cheesecake in 20 years, it was decadent.

A face that I had not seeing in 16 years, was my ex's mother; who I remember being kind and loving. She reminds me of my grandma; we hugged before she went to sleep.

I walked the family's big 80 pound dog named "Apache" which was shy for a few days, before he would let me pet him. He is a loving pet and was easy to walk him around last night. I didn't know he had diarrhea, so we left some free fertilizer on the grass.

Surprisingly I was able to socialize with most of the family, even though I felt awkward at the beginning. Her father even talked about my ex's childhood, about some freaky monkey attack on his convertible, when she was a child. It was a funny story, you had to be there to get it.

I had a good time, I felt very welcomed, thank God. That is all I can share.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Thanksgiving from 5 to 12!

I thought when I got the Thanksgiving invitation from my ex's family, that it would be them four and me. Oh no, this is a family gathering. 12 people including me, the guy that is not part of the family.

Despite my 20's when I could get together with a ton of strangers to get high and drunk, at this point in my life, I'm socially awkward. For the 19 years I was married, the only people I socialized with, were my wife's family and their handful of friends. So it was usually 7 of us, me and my wife, her brother and his two kids, her sister and a family friend.

After Nina passed away in January of 2015, it was 5 of us, her family was the only family I knew, the only family I had. I was used to them, so birthdays and holidays went on after a few months of mourning. I did hide my depression from them, and in June of this year I survived a suicide attempt.

I got professional help, group therapy and the whole 9 yards. I thought that my family would be there for me after I was released. Instead I was given a backpack with clothes, and told by my brother in law that I was "no longer part of the family" at the parking lot outside our home.

That is how I became homeless. No family to call my own, with just what I had on me, walking the streets of Florida. Days, weeks and months went by, and I got used to it. Not having a family, or real friends that is.

I know a lot of friendly people I care about in Delray Beach, but true friendship... it wasn't in my life, until my ex found me through Facebook. What are the chances that someone you had an intense relationship with, that ended badly, would be such a loving friend after 15 years?

Now I'm in her home about to celebrate Thanksgiving with another 11 people, most who don't know me. I'm nervous, as if I'm going on a freaking date for god's sake!

Her father is a great guy, old school type that believes in hard work, and doesn't like anything handed to him. His wife is a lovely lady, that reminds me of my grandma. And there is my ex, who has given me true friendship. True friendship is rare these days, with so much bs going on in our society for the past few decades. I never finished high school, but life has educated me enough to know that usually friends come and go, but family is... or should be forever.

Here I am, with no family, but with a friend which is solid as a rock (and just as stubborn). I'm hoping I don't put my foot in my mouth. What if I'm asked what I do for a living? or where I live? yeah... socially awkward indeed.

God help me. If you're reading this, have a great Thanksgiving 👍

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Wednesday

I'm used to waking up at 5 am. What I'm not used to, is waking up on a nice leather sofa, covered by a comforter.

It was a nice way to wake up. Even more so when my ex said I could go to her bed and keep sleeping there. I hesitated, for about 10 seconds. Sleeping on a nice soft bed was even better. I must've slept for about 4 hours or so.

My ex asked me to help carry some tables and chair over for tomorrow. I was happy to be of help. Checking her stepmother's 2 laptops an hour later, I had to give her the mixed news. The Dell Inspiron m5030 was dead, nothing I could do for it. The Lenovo was something I was able to fix, restoring it to factory settings, exactly as it was the day it was bought.

I was glad to see her smile once I was done with the Lenovo which only took me 45 minutes to fix. This family is so warm and genuine to the core, I'm happy to spend any time here. Right now I'm enjoying a nice bread pizza that my ex made for me. Watching on of my favorite movies right now, Deadpool.

Thanks for reading.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Sofa Heaven and Vulcan Salute

She picked me up in the morning, bought me a croissant with sausage, egg and cheese while we were at Dunkin Donuts even after I told her I wasn't hungry. My ex is stubborn like a mule. The drive to her house was more lively than last time. I'm more comfortable with her since last time.

She tried to figure out a way for me to live with them, of course things are tight with the current economy. I had to put my foot down, asking her not to bring it up again to her family. Surprisingly, she took it well.

Her family welcomed me with open arms, her husband was at work still. I was able to take a long hot shower. It took me a while to shave. I only got disposable razors and I had a scruffy beard. She doesn't like me having a beard, and it annoyed her that I had missed 3 hairs on my face.

I have to admit, I liked annoying her a bit. She is a bit OCD and half jokingly said that she would shave the hairs while I slept. She is stubborn enough to do it, so I may let her do it. I do feel bad that she is in so much pain and there is nothing I can do for her. She tells me that she feels bad because I'm living on the streets. So we each feel bad for each other. She told me that she cares for me, and I can see that she does.

Yet my logic kicks in. Not seeing each other for 15 years after we ended our relationship on a bad note... it did give me pause, made it hard for me to trust her. Even though it was mostly my fault how things ended between us. She has moved on and I've also moved on emotionally. I can't see myself as anything other than a friend with her.

We went shopping for a few things that were needed for Thanksgiving. Just a few small things, when I tried to pay for it she stood her ground telling me I was not allowed to do that. So I threw in a 2-pack of Twix expecting her to send it straight to my face. She didn't. Back in the day she used to throw things at my head for no reason. Not light things mind you, but solid enough to send me to the hospital if I didn't duck.

15 years has mellowed her a bit, thank God. I finished the 1st season of Mr. Robot and it is a very good show, as a geek/nerd I give it a Vulcan salute.

The sofa here is heaven, she had it ready with 2 pillows and 2 comforters. I'll be checking 2 laptops for her stepmother, who is a lovely lady whose kindness reminds me of my grandmother.

We had some fun with Facebook Messenger while we were practically 6 feet away from each other. Me on the sofa and my ex on her recliner. We can be silly that way sometimes, I like it.

She tells me things in confidence, and it makes me more at ease. I trust her more. I wish I was in a position to help her. I have a friend, and she really loves me.

It's been a great day.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Mr. Robot and Another Cold Night

Yesterday I finished watching the second season of Blindspot which ended in a cliffhanger. Next episode will come out in January, maybe by then I'll have my own place to watch it at. One can dream right?

Last night it was also cold, so I used my towel to cover my legs, then the blanket on top to cover me head to toe. It work pretty good and I didn't feel as cold. I didn't wake up once during the night.

However now I've got a sore throat and my back hurts. My ex told me yesterday that she was going to pick me up today, so I can spent Thanksgiving with them. Not sure if it will happen, last Sunday she was unable to pick me up. I hope she is able to get me, I'd love to take a hot shower and take a nap on her sofa.

Her family is kind, far better than the family I used to have. I'm better off sleeping on the streets than sharing a home with people I can't trust. On occasion I remember that I once had a niece, a nephew, a brother-in-law and a sister-in-law.

I helped in raising the kids with my wife, doing their homework with them, gave them advice, made sure they ate and would clean up after them. My brother and sister would ask for my help with anything computer related. After my wife died we had to move; and I pretty much loaded and unloaded the entire moving truck on my own. I think that sometimes they saw me as a beast of burden rather than a relative.

My suicide attempt got me kicked out of the family. I wasn't doing drugs, I only drank alcohol once in a while and never got drunk. I was a good brother and uncle. One mistake and I was thrown away like garbage. I try not to think about it, because it still hurts.

Being homeless, the priorities are very basic. Find food, bathroom access, find work, safe spot to sleep. Simple, yet not so simple. Best change the subject.

Last night at Starbucks I started watching Mr. Robot and it's interesting. going to start watching episode 4 in a few minutes. As I was writing this post, she called. My ex is on her way to pick me up.

This will be the first Thanksgiving in 15 years which I do not spend with my wife's family. Looking forward to it.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Cold Night, Bandages and Daydreams

Last night it was so cold, that I kept waking up every hour or so. Even with the hospital blanket my ex gave me. I'll change things up a bit tonight, when I go to sleep. Using the clean clothes I have as another layer on me, and then the blanket on top, it may keep me warmer.

Late last night I ran out of bandages, but luckily my buddy Joe (the cop) hooked me up with enough gauze and bandages for the next few days. I was very grateful and asked him to thank his girlfriend for me. Thanks to her I'm healing up.

At 5 45 am I placed the Dunkin Donuts tables and chairs outside, like every morning.

I was given a warm plain bagel with cream cheese which tasted like heaven. It took all of 5 minutes after I got my stuff set at my booth before I fell asleep. I woke up at around 10 am, and started to catch up to the rest of the Season 2 of Blindspot which I'm a fan of thanks to Ashley Johnson from Critical Role. I mentioned CR last Thursday and unfortunately due to turkey day, there won't be a show this week 😞.

Being homeless is not an easy lifestyle. I wish I had a job to go to every single day, to sleep every night on a bed even if it was in a room the size of a closet. There is no day which is stress free, and depression is one blink of an eye away.

So how do I avoid from losing it?  How do I keep myself together? Well I've always been good at daydreaming. I can see myself living a different life, even a different past... I can create memories which I can make myself believe to be real for a short time.

It may sound crazy, but it works for me. I've been Darth Vader, King Arthur, a young guy living in NY with his gf, an old man living in Alaska, Wolverine, an Inhuman, an Immortal... even changed genders. I've had hundreds of dreams since I've been homeless, keeping my mind from stress.

It was always a way to escape since my childhood, and I've rarely mentioned it to anyone. I'm certain it's because I had been abused. But daydreaming is also risky, going too deep and I'm no longer aware of my surroundings. That can be very dangerous to someone who is homeless.

I've kept a good balance, I've been reading books, listening to Pandora, watching streams (like CR), movies, tv series and of course my favorite youtube channels which provide entertainment. Entertainment which keeps me from imploding from the inside out.

Before you ask why daydream being a villain... let me tell you, it is far better to choke someone to death in your mind as a fictional character using the force than using your hands on a real person. I don't like violence, but I'm very capable of defending myself, and others if need be.

Anger does come up, at myself mostly. Thinking how could I've been so weak to attempt suicide; to allow my wife to go through a surgery that killed her. Logic says it wasn't my fault, but emotions and logic don't always agree.

To release negative emotions without doing something stupid, then is where the daydreams comes into place. I can do it for an hour or longer, and see myself in the most crazy realities. I have a fear of heights, but while daydreaming I can fly above the clouds as Superman or jump off a plane with a parachute.

The first is impossible of course, no human can defy gravity on his/her own. The second dream could happen, but extremely unlikely considering that every time I've been in a plane I hold on to the seat for dear life. The point is, while other homeless escape through drugs and liquor of all kinds, my "high" is my own mind.

If I feel myself slide into depression, the daydreaming kicks in. When I had a family that loved me, I rarely did it. Now without a family... it helps me stay in one piece. Because my foot is still not fully healed I avoid walking, and staying in one place all day is boring and easily depressing.

I've found that writing blogs also helps me a great deal. Sharing my life experiences, my daily life, and working on the Homeless Survival Guide keeps me grounded.

I thank God every day for allowing me to continue my existence.

That's all for today.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

A flat, hot food and sex at Dunkins

At the end of yesterday's post I was in a hurry to get on my bike to ride to the Methodist church that gives food for the weekend.

To my surprise, I realize that the front tire is flat. It gives me a bad feeling, because my original bike (Huffy Beach Cruiser) had been messed with, someone kept puncturing the tires before it was stolen. I'm not sure if this is happening again; it could be coincidence. I hope that it is.

My Huffy Beach Cruiser that was stolen weeks ago.

I left all my stuff at Dunkin Donuts (they let me do that on occasion when I need to go somewhere) and started my walk to the church. My feet are better, but I've been avoiding walking unless necessary. Food falls under "necessary", heh.

Because I had foolishly counted on the bike getting me to the church quickly, I ended up reaching the church late. There wasn't much left. Then I was told they were serving warm food inside, thank God.

They don't serve warm food, but I guess because Thanksgiving is coming and they had no plans to serve that day, they did it yesterday. It was a good breakfast/lunch. A few of the guys I know from the soup kitchen were there. One of the homeless females I know had a black eye, she told me in breaking up a fight a few days ago, she got an elbow to the face. Unfortunately stuff like that is common when hanging out with people who drink too much.

I learned to be friendly and helpful when I can, while at the same time keeping a safe distance. Nobody has ever even raised their voice at me, and I've been in Delray for almost half a year now.

After thanking those who had served the food, I walked back to DD with the food I was able to get. It was just enough to cover me for the weekend.

I ended up falling asleep for a few hours at my booth inside DD. I woke up around 5 pm. to find myself dragged into a chat with the staff about... how can I say this...sex and "back door" etiquette so a female does not feel pain. I can be open about my personal experiences regarding intimacy as long as it's with people I know; not in front of total strangers.

Of course there were no customers in the store at the time. Keep in mind these are young men, 18 and 21 years old and I'm 47 which is why they discussed it with me. I won't mention the details, just that it was informative.

At 8 pm I left DD and went to Starbucks where I spoke with Kody, who is a sweetheart and one of my favorite Baristas there. My unofficial role of Life Coach there has gained me some good relationships with the staff.

I caught up on some Star Wars Rebels and Ash vs Evil Dead thanks to the WiFi there and being able to coughtorrentcough. I'm homeless, but that hasn't change the geek/nerd in me. I changed the bandage of my left foot after I left Starbucks at midnight and it looks better.

Saturday started with a flat tire, and ended up with my foot looking better. It was a good day. I've been at DD all day today, so nothing of note to write about.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Charlie Horse

I woke up today at my spot at 5 am, and as soon as I tried to get up I got a charlie horse in my left leg. I've dealt with them before and knew exactly what to do. I relaxed the leg and held back a scream of pain that may have attracted unwanted attention.

Relaxing the leg helped a lot, and the pain was mostly gone in a few minutes. People have asked me where I sleep, and all I can say is that it's fairly safe away from other homeless, and out of view. Check it out.

Between the 3 walls and the small roof most nights my spot is fairly safe from wind and rain (unless it get really windy). Also because of the right wall that faces the street, it makes me very hard to see at night when I'm laying down. Rule #1 of being homeless, be invisible.

At 5:45 am I walked to Dunkin Donuts and helped in taking the tables and chairs outside like I do every morning. It gets me a bit of food that can hold me up until lunch time most days. I sat at my corner booth and worked on blogging.

You may ask "how does a homeless guy have a laptop?". Answer: I worked for it (I know 5 other homeless who also have laptops). 25 hrs of work in exchange for it to be exact. It happened a few months when I was still able to fly a sign that read "Looking For Work". Now it's impossible because Delray cops are cracking down on homeless flying signs or panhandling. I rather work than panhandle any day.

Back then a guy picked me up to do some miscellaneous work for him, paint a room, landscaping, moving stuff out of his garage into a storage room, etc. He had a laptop which he didn't need anymore and we made a deal for it.

It does have problem with the hard drive I believe, I have to reset it to get it working again once in a while. For the most part it's perfect for me. I've been able to download and watch movies, listening to Pandora or Spotify, look for work, blog and even get back in touch with an old ex (she found me on Facebook after 15 years).

Last night my friends at Starbucks hooked me up with a coffee and some chocolate covered popcorn (which was delicious).

Not sure if I've mentioned that my ex's husband (yeah still sounds weird) gave me a bike to help me move around after my feet get better. I got it locked next to DD. I got the seat, don't want it stolen since it's quick release.

She was going to pick me up Sunday so I could take a shower and get laundry done. The original plan was to drop me off Sunday night and then Wednesday pick me up again so I could stay overnight into Thursday, to celebrate Thanksgiving with them. I'm very grateful to her wonderful family that allowed me to stay a few days when I couldn't even stand without crutches.

Last night she changed the plan, instead I'll be picked up Sunday to stay an entire week. I'm getting more comfortable with her, but was not sure. She is complex, always was, to be honest. Always interesting, never boring, she is full of life and without a filter. When I was with her years ago, those traits were the reason why I had fallen in love with her. To me she was a "free spirit" and also my "fluff and fold chick" since at the time she worked at a Laundry service.

I asked Diana last night for advice, and she said "just go with it". So yeah, I'll be off the streets for a week and intend to enjoy it. When I was at her home, she mentioned that the outside of her home needed painting, so last night I mentioned it and offered to do it for them. Her answer "we'll see". I just want to do something in return for the kindness she and her family has shown me.

Oops! almost 9 am, I have to get to the church to get some food!

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Quick Blog Update

I want to be open and honest with you regarding a change on all 3 blogs I write. I'm homeless and getting work is not easy when you have no place to call home.  Right now I'm still recovering from the problem I have with my feet (mostly the left foot).

I've added a "Thank you for your Support" page to each blog and removed the front page donation widget. I'm not out to get rich or trick anyone into clicking on affiliate links. If you would like to support one of my blogs, you will have to click on the support page then decide if you wish to donate through Paypal, GoFundMe or through Amazon affiliate links.

You won't see banners or affiliate links section anywhere outside the support page. On occasion I may include an affiliate link to a post/entry but I will do my best to keep it to a minimum. I've used Adblock Plus for years because I hate unwanted online ads (even before I became homeless).

I would appreciate if you consider checking the support page if you wish to support this blog.

I'm mostly trying to focus on Amazon sponsored links and service/companies such as Lootcrate and Backblaze which also support one of my favorite shows online, Critical Role. If you have any questions feel free to contact me through my Goggle profile.

That's it.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Why reveal so much?

Good morning. Today someone asked me "why reveal so much about yourself? aren't you scared someone may throw some things back at you?".

My answer was more or less as follows. "Hell yeah it is scary to write a blog sharing parts of my life that either I'm not proud of, or things which are deeply personal. However since recovering from my suicide attempt, I see the point forward from that event as my second life. When I was younger either I was too stupid to listen to advice, or there was no advice available. By sharing what I've gone through, good and bad experiences, I hope that someone out there can learn from it and perhaps avoid some of it."

Nobody is perfect, we are imperfect humans. We're bound to fuck up, and sometimes in a big way. Even with family, friends and professional help. It is impossible to live a perfect life without pain and suffering, But we can learn from others, to avoid or lessen any damage we may do to ourselves or others. We do things physically, emotionally, financially every day and it doesn't take much (trust me on this) to end up in the gutter somewhere.

Yes, "Letters of my Life" is a blog about my life experience, but it would be impossible to write about every single good and bad thing that I've ever experienced. I try to cover the things that made a mark. Things which were so significant that I still remember them. Of course I also remember things were of little consequence that I may mention to balance things a bit. Humor does help cope with things.

If I can help one person avoid some pain or experience some love in their life, then that makes it all worth it. To me is also a form of therapy (when I was in the psych ward I was told by a psychiatrist that writing about things helps a lot).

My other blog is the "Homeless Survival Guide", it provides information based on personal experience and research to help those who are either on the brink of becoming homeless, or already are. Other homeless and people that volunteer at soup kitchens/churches have given me very valuable counsel, that helps me survive every day.

I do fear that revealing some personal aspects of my life may make it hard or maybe even impossible to find love again. But...

"I learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear" - Nelson Mandela

I believe that the most powerful force in all existence is Love, and God is Love. So I have every intention of overcoming the fear whenever it shows it's ugly head.

To change the topic real quick. Last night's Critical Role had a funny start with Sam Riegel being trolled by Lootcrate. Unfortunately Starbucks closed at 11pm and then I had no decent WiFi available, so I'll catch the replay next Monday.

Have a great day.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Can't wait for some #criticalrole

"Is it Thursday yet?" yeah, it is!

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you are missing on one of the most fun D&D streams online. I'm talking about Critical Role from Geek & Sundry. G&S is Felicia Day's geeky dream that she made reality. I started watching Felicia's "The Guild" web series many years ago, which lead to the creation of G&S's fun geeky/nerdy online content. I also love G&S's Tabletop show.

I'm homeless, but I try not to miss Critical Role every Thursday at 10 pm EST on the Geek & Sundry Twitch Channel. When I can't get decent WiFi working, then I wait until the following Monday and watch the replay at the G&S website.

It may seem weird that someone who sleeps on cardboard every night, looks forward to a Thursday night, to see a group of voice actors role-play as a band of heroes known as Vox Machina. There are times when watching the show certainly makes a different in the quality of my life.

I can be cold and hungry, but there isn't a time when I have not laughed my ass off watching an episode. Specially when Sam Riegel breaks the 4th wall while playing his gnome bard Scanlan Shorthalt. Or when Grog (Travis Willingham) shows how high his intelligence of 6 can take him. They are hilarious.

I'm a quiet Critter among thousands of other #critters that are fans of CR and other G&S shows. I usually write on my blog about my day, or to mention an update on my other two homeless related blogs. Today, I just want to say thank you to Felicia Day, Geek & Sundry and the wonderful people that make Critical Role possible as well as the wonderful critters around the world that keep G&S going strong.

Under 13 hours to go before the show starts and I can't wait!

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis