Feeling Worthless

The title says it all. Been feeling that way for weeks. Since my lawyer told me that my case won't be reviewed for at least a year.

Besides having body image issues, physical pain, depression, socialization issues, I now feel worthless. I thought a few more months... and I could truly start rebuilding my life. Get a driver's licence, buy a van and begin to hustle by learning woodworking and becoming an artisan. Work hard, buy a tiny house and become independent... new life.

Only a few people know the truth, the embarrassing truth about my marriage. I've said a few times on Facebook that "Love is blind, but it can also blind you". I speak from experience. I knew my wife over 20 years, was married to her twice (yeah, twice).

The first time it lasted 3 months, after which she demanded an annulment. I was heart broken then and didn't know what I had done wrong. Later on I found out she had cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend (she had been with him for 12 years).

Two years later we reconnected and re-married. Our marriage was far from perfect, we split up three times. Still we'd always end up back together because I felt she truly loved me more than anyone in the world.

You would think after 19 years of marriage, I'd be a legal resident, or an american by now. Nope. I was blind. When we got married (the second time) we both worked and it took months for her to start the process. Halfway through it she stopped it, claiming that as soon as I got legal I would leave her.

I'm not an angel, I've made a lot of stupid choices in my life. Things I regret. However there are a few things which were sacred to me even when I was young and stupid. One of those things, was marriage. I would never marry someone I did not love, and I would never marry for convenience, no matter what. That holds true to this day.

My grandmother tried several times to get me married when I came to the states at the age of 18. I would refuse to even meet any females to have an arranged marriage even if it would've made my life easier.

So, there it was. My wife thought I had married her for convenience and was insecure. Because I loved her, I told her that I didn't care about being legal, that all I wanted was her. She replied that once she felt confident she would start the process again.

Over the years, on occasion I would bring it up, to be told "next year" or "we don't have the money for it right now". Once she became legally disabled, her brother was to be my "sponsor" and he gave me the exact same replies.

After 15 years, I gave up on becoming legal and just accepted it. I had my wife and her brother (+ 2 kids) and sister, a family. I never imagined a life without her. Losing her after complications of her bariatric surgery devastated me. Over a year after her passing, it got to the point that I attempted suicide.

Then after that I was kicked out of the family because of it. I was homeless. If it wasn't for Summer and her husband David I'd still be walking the streets. She helped me find an immigration lawyer, who in turn said because I had been married for so long, that I had a chance to become legal.

Of course then we find out my wife's brother had lied in the death certificate stating she had been divorced. Fixing that legally took months which slowed down the submission of my case. It's been about a year since I hired my lawyer, and I'm looking at another year of being a nobody, a non-existent person that has no real value in society without a future.

I can build a computer, survive in the streets, I can be there for others, but as a person I feel that I have no worth, no value, a zero. Summer has said I'm smart, and when I recently shared my feelings of being worthless she was concerned about suicide. I assured her that will never happen to me, ever again.

I'm not suicidal, I just feel like I wasted my life loving someone who didn't truly cared about me. I loved a family that threw me away like I was garbage. Therefore... worthless.

Whenever I read a Facebook post of someone feeling sad for some reason, I almost immediately relate and post a reply showing my moral support hoping to make the person feel better because I know exactly how shitty it can be to feel sad/depressed and/or alone.

My xmas was ok, the best part was seeing Summer and David open the presents I got them which they didn't expect.

Being there for others makes me feel alive, makes me forget that I have no future. The Critical Role one-shots have been amusing, but nothing in comparison to the campaign which helped me survive the past 2 years.

I'm not giving up mind you, I've been stepped on by people I cared for most of my life and remembering that, hurts, every time, even decades later. I'm a survivor, I know that, but the way I feel is not going away.

Washing cars day after day is painful and boring (with a few exceptions like when someone shows up in a 1.2 million dollar ride as you can see below).

 

It blows me away to see some of the cars I get to work on. But I would love to legally drive a beat up van so I could be my own boss, rebuild my life and maybe meet new friends. Because who in their right mind would like to be friends with someone without a future?

I thought I was a few months away from truly getting my life together.... now I'm at least a year away from it. That is if I win my case.

Here is hoping to 2018 being a better year for me and everyone else.

Thanks for reading and may you and your loved ones be safe and healthy.

Bidet and Beep Beep from Florida!

An overdue update

To say an update is overdue, would be an understatement. So much has happened, this post would be too long if I went into detail, so I will condense a bit.

But before that, a little disclaimer. For privacy reasons, I will change the names of people involved from here on out.

Soon after the previous post which was back in December of 2016, Summer's husband had a heart attack. David had trouble breathing at home and she called 911. Had she not make that call, he certainly wouldn't be with us today.

Twice his heart stopped in the hospital and twice the good people there brought him back to life. Summer was devastated. I tried to be there for her as much as I could. She is a strong woman, always was, but she would cry often. David's wasn't the only heart which had broken.

His heart was badly damaged and went through surgeries for doctors to repair as much as possible. Weeks went by before he was allowed to come home. I wish I could say "and then everything was fine"... I wish.

Due to the remaining damage to his heart, he has to wear (still to this day) a vest that is a portable defibrillator 24/7. It will sound a loud alarm if anything goes wrong and if it detects that his heart has stopped it will shock him.

Both myself and Summer feared leaving him alone, wherever he went, one of us would be with him. Always concerned for his health. This kind man who had agreed to take me in, had returned to his home, weakened and stuck with a device strapped to his chest that he could not live without.

Many nights both of us would check on him while he was sleeping, to make sure he was alright. I helped as much as I could to help care for him. Between the medication, the strict diet that Summer put him on and the combined efforts of the entire family David slowly began to recover.

He went from being easily tired at the time he returned home, to now being able to drive on his own (but still wearing the vest). I try to go with him whenever possible without being intrusive. I know he wants to feel normal again, independent and able to do normal things. Who wants a passenger to just to get a gallon of milk?

I know sometimes he feels annoyed, but his heart is still damaged and I wouldn't want him to be alone if something happens while he out of the house, among a bunch of strangers if he is out driving or shopping.

And that is just a glance at what happened between December and now at the place I now call home. Well... there is more, much more. I worked at an Italian Festival, I'm on Fiverr and... well, I'll try to post again sometime this week with more details.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Productive Sunday

Today I went out shopping with my ex and her husband who like me likes SciFi and action movies. She bought her self a desk so I can use her old desk for my personal use. Her husband and I built the new desk in about 2 hours without much trouble.

Thanks to my ex, I got back everything that was at my former family's household last week. My clothes, my laptop, my desktop, my collection of anime (yes I have a large set of burned DVD's), etc. In a few days she'll move everything from her old desk to the new and then I'll have a desk for my old desktop.

I'm selling my laptop so I can contribute to my new family. I used to make money online before, but things here are different. I can't go and store 200 boxes/envelopes of items to sell on Ebay. Buying and selling locally seems to be a good start, to build capital so then I can figure out a business venture which won't require me to store things here.

I'm thinking affiliate marketing, and I'm guessing that it will take me about 3 months to learn how to do it properly. I know there are online courses out there but I can't afford them and I'm fine with that. I learned everything about buying/selling on Ebay and Amazon through Youtube videos; I think there is a good chance that I could learn about affiliate marketing that way (I hope).

I could also develop some skills and create some hand made products to sell on Etsy or dive into e-book publishing (which does require about $1000 to start with).

To be honest, I feel pretty useless. Yes I walk the dogs, help out when it comes to anything related to computers (there are a few in the house) and contribute to keeping the house clean and doing dishes but I feel I'm not doing enough. I refuse to be a burden, so I need to come up with some ideas.

I'll be reaching out to the Hooman and Critical Role community for some ideas. Meanwhile I did this image for her as a way to show my appreciation. I've edited so her name is not shown.

I used to dabble in Photoshop, finding templates is easy enough, I hope she likes it. That is all for today.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Recap and Update

Ok, for those who recently found out that I was homeless, here is a recap and update.

Was married for 19 years to a woman who was jealous and controlling. She kept me in fear of being deported, my blind love kept me from living a full life. During that time I worked off the books, all my entertainment was pretty much online. Thanks to Anarchy Online (an MMO game) and other online multiplayer games I was able to avoid depression.

In Jan 14th of 2015 my wife died, and I became extremely depressed because she was my whole world. Her family (brother + 2 kids and sister) lived with us. 3 months after her passing I was told by my brother in law to stop being so depressed because it was affecting his children. I pretended to get out of depression, while at the same time thinking suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I must clarify that the thoughts were to harm myself, never others.

In Jul of 2015 my brother in law demanded that I came up with more money for the family. Within a day I came up with a business plan to run different streams of income between Ebay, Amazon FBA (Fulfillment by Amazon), OfferUp and Craigslist. They agreed to my plan, however for the first 6 months I had to practically beg for them to pull their own weight since they had agreed to work with me to build the several business ventures I was working very hard on.

Working every day, learning how to make money online kept my depression in check. I was still depressed, but between focusing on business and exercise I was able to keep all the negative feelings inside. I was glad to be able to help the family, to be able to buy things for the house and the kids that they wanted.

It all ended in June of 2016. One day my "brother" just told me "shut everything down" because he felt I was not making enough money for the family. I tried to explain that it takes time to build things up, that I could turn $10 into $50, but that his expectations were unrealistic. He expected me to turn $10 into $50 and then give him the $50 leaving me nothing to re-invest. Mind you the $10/$50 is an example.

I worked so hard for so long, watching hundreds of Youtube videos, going through dozens of websites, reading and watching everything I could avoid mistakes and learn how to do things right. I picked, researched, packed and shipped every item. They barely did a thing, and I would buy whatever was needed, give whatever I could while building the businesses.

That day everything that I had pushed down came up. My depression went into high gear. I had planned my suicide for a long time, and I felt I had nothing to keep me grounded any longer. I shut everything down as he ordered, and 3 days later I tried to commit suicide.

I survived, overcame my depression thanks to professional help. After walking for 8 hours (I had no money and my "family" never picked me up even after leaving several messages), I got home to be told by my brother in law that I was out of the family. I was given a backpack with some clothes, my phone (which only worked on WiFi), my wallet and some money.  He said I could not contact him, his sister or his kids and to start walking north.

For 19 years I was married to his sister, knew him even before he got married, before he got kids, before his ex died of cancer. All the years of being part of the family, didn't matter to him. He even said "everything was perfect and you messed it all up" before he told me to go north.

For 6 months I lived on the streets. At the beginning eating out of dumpsters before I figured out how to find a soup kitchen. An ex-girlfriend found me on Facebook and helped me out, first taking me in a few days when I was in crutches. Later on I was invited for Thanksgiving, to be then surprised to be told that I was not leaving, that they would take me in, that I was now part of their family.

So here I am, in a safe place. My feet are still healing, but getting better every week. I got no money, but I sleep comfortably on a leather sofa every night, I have meals, I get to have a hot shower every day. Every day I'm happy to help by walking the dogs (which I really like and they got used to me now) and do some house chores. I'm very grateful to be here, thank god.

I'm broke, but I'm safe. It's a good start.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

The Unexpected

Four days since the last entry to my journal. It feels like a month. It's so hard to express how I feel right now. I was supposed to be here, in my ex's home for a few days to celebrate Thanksgiving with her family. There is a proverb that says "The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." and that is exactly what happened.

For almost 20 years I had a family, and in one day I lost that family. That event lead me to become homeless, and on my own. I got used to living on the streets. This week, in one day... I got a new family and I'm off the streets.

It is very difficult for me to type this, I'm very emotional right now. I knew it would not be easy to post this on my blog. It's the main reason why I'm doing this in the middle of the night, 11:30 pm to be exact.

Everyone is asleep in the house, a home I now live in. I sleep on the leather sofa which is heaven in comparison to where I used to sleep. I won't miss having to lay down on layers of cardboard every night, but I won't forget it either.

To wake up and know I can say "good morning" to people that actually care about me is a blessing which I'm grateful to them and to God. I try not to mention religion in my blog. I feel it is a personal choice, and I've never liked people who preach about their faith too much. My connection to the Lord is simple, I speak in private either verbally or with my thoughts and I do my best to listen.

Saturday night, my ex asked me if I could stay until Tuesday. because she needed to install a new TV at her mother's house for her birthday. I gladly agreed, another few days with a roof over my head sounded good to me.

Sunday afternoon she tells me that didn't want me to go back to the streets. She then went on to say everyone in the house had agreed to take me in. Her father, her stepmother and her husband had unanimously decided that I could live with them. The word unexpected falls short to describe the moment. If that wasn't enough, she told me I was part of her family.

Family means a lot to me, so for her to say that, knowing it was coming from her heart... it meant a lot.

Out of respect, I won't use the names of my new family, however I will show you my new furry roommates. The first two belong to my ex, the last one belongs to her father and stepmother.

This is Mushi, she barks for attention.

This is Zoe, she will eat anything.

This is Apache, the big boy.

I enjoy walking them. I had at one time considered becoming a dog walker, but I lacked the experience and reference to do it, and yeah... the fact that I was homeless sort of ended that idea.

The past few days has been a dream. I have a place to call home, where I can take a shower, keep my clothes, a safe place with good people that are helping me put my life back together. A totally unexpected situation, one which I'm glad to be in.

In the morning my ex tried to wake me up several times. The plan was for me to help her install a new TV for her mother, as a birthday gift. Instead she did it on her own, because I was deep asleep. I feel bad that when she was counting on me I wouldn't wake up. I intend to make it up to her somehow, even though she insists that it's alright. Her friendship means a lot to me.

I won't waste the opportunity she is giving me to rebuild my life. I'll share some more tomorrow.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

A Sweet and Itchy Thankgiving

It's 5 am and I haven't slept thanks to my itchy feet which are still recovering. Even with anti-itch cream, which helped a bit. Still, last night was wonderful. The meal was great, my ex and her stepmother made everything from scratch. I met my ex's relatives. I had already met her cousin who is polite to me, not sure if she likes me or not.

Her 89 yrs old aunt who is on a wheelchair was very social, I was mostly listening to her tell me about her life. She was a lovely woman. Her son made a homemade cheesecake based on her recipe and it was beyond delicious. I haven't had homemade cheesecake in 20 years, it was decadent.

A face that I had not seeing in 16 years, was my ex's mother; who I remember being kind and loving. She reminds me of my grandma; we hugged before she went to sleep.

I walked the family's big 80 pound dog named "Apache" which was shy for a few days, before he would let me pet him. He is a loving pet and was easy to walk him around last night. I didn't know he had diarrhea, so we left some free fertilizer on the grass.

Surprisingly I was able to socialize with most of the family, even though I felt awkward at the beginning. Her father even talked about my ex's childhood, about some freaky monkey attack on his convertible, when she was a child. It was a funny story, you had to be there to get it.

I had a good time, I felt very welcomed, thank God. That is all I can share.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Thanksgiving from 5 to 12!

I thought when I got the Thanksgiving invitation from my ex's family, that it would be them four and me. Oh no, this is a family gathering. 12 people including me, the guy that is not part of the family.

Despite my 20's when I could get together with a ton of strangers to get high and drunk, at this point in my life, I'm socially awkward. For the 19 years I was married, the only people I socialized with, were my wife's family and their handful of friends. So it was usually 7 of us, me and my wife, her brother and his two kids, her sister and a family friend.

After Nina passed away in January of 2015, it was 5 of us, her family was the only family I knew, the only family I had. I was used to them, so birthdays and holidays went on after a few months of mourning. I did hide my depression from them, and in June of this year I survived a suicide attempt.

I got professional help, group therapy and the whole 9 yards. I thought that my family would be there for me after I was released. Instead I was given a backpack with clothes, and told by my brother in law that I was "no longer part of the family" at the parking lot outside our home.

That is how I became homeless. No family to call my own, with just what I had on me, walking the streets of Florida. Days, weeks and months went by, and I got used to it. Not having a family, or real friends that is.

I know a lot of friendly people I care about in Delray Beach, but true friendship... it wasn't in my life, until my ex found me through Facebook. What are the chances that someone you had an intense relationship with, that ended badly, would be such a loving friend after 15 years?

Now I'm in her home about to celebrate Thanksgiving with another 11 people, most who don't know me. I'm nervous, as if I'm going on a freaking date for god's sake!

Her father is a great guy, old school type that believes in hard work, and doesn't like anything handed to him. His wife is a lovely lady, that reminds me of my grandma. And there is my ex, who has given me true friendship. True friendship is rare these days, with so much bs going on in our society for the past few decades. I never finished high school, but life has educated me enough to know that usually friends come and go, but family is... or should be forever.

Here I am, with no family, but with a friend which is solid as a rock (and just as stubborn). I'm hoping I don't put my foot in my mouth. What if I'm asked what I do for a living? or where I live? yeah... socially awkward indeed.

God help me. If you're reading this, have a great Thanksgiving 👍

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Awesome Tuesday!

After having a rough few days, I woke up Tuesday morning at 7 am. My day started in awesome mode. Thanks to Joe's girlfriend my foot was in much better shape. I had overslept a bit, which usually would bothers me, but not today.

I was able to put weight on my left foot. I checked the bandage and noticed that I would probably need to change it. I kept my foot up while I was trying to decide if I should go to the soup kitchen for breakfast. I also needed to go to Publix to get my prescription filled.

At 8:45 am I asked the manager at Dunkin Donuts (who is a nice Latina that knows my situation) if I could leave my duffel bag for a few hours. She kindly agreed and I left it at the store. I got on the Bike that my ex's husband had given me (yeah that happened too).

I was riding it carefully wearing slippers that my ex's father had given me last weekend. It was far better than the Huffy Beach Cruiser that has been stolen from me weeks ago. This baby is a 21 speed ride.

Reaching the soup kitchen a little after 9 am I ate breakfast. A few friendly homeless guys that know me asked me where I had been, so I filled them up a bit on the crazy days I had gone through. I gave a hoodie and a long sleeve shirt to 2 of them, I had brought them because I had a bit too much to carry in the duffel bag.

Talking to one of the women that work at the kitchen, I asked for some gauze and bandages and fortunately she found some. I thanked her and then left the kitchen and rode straight to the park across the Delray Courthouse. There I changed my bandage and finally saw what Joe's girlfriend had done (skip if you don't want to see it).

After I finished I rode to the nearest Publix to find out it didn't have a Pharmacy. I had to ride to another Publix but I didn't care, the minor discomfort was worth it. I got the prescription filled at no cost to me, I thanked God for this blessing.

By the time I was riding from Publix back towards Dunkin Donuts it was almost Lunch time. I had not been on a bike in weeks; the gel seat helped a bit but still my read end was asking for a short break.

I stopped a few minutes to talk to a homeless guy I know, who had been arrested Monday night for throwing a brick at the Trolley (yeah, that happened) while drunk. Apparently the driver refuses to pick him up because a while ago they had gotten into a verbal altercation where racial slurs had been exchanged. Crazy things like that happen often unfortunately. I told him to try and get sober up. Hopefully he will try, sober he is a completely different person.

Riding my bike I made it in time for lunch time at the soup kitchen. Right after I headed to DD and stayed there until 7 pm. I walked over to Starbucks with my backpack and duffel bag with only minor discomfort on my left foot.

My buddy Diana was there and she gave me a passion tea lemonade with mango and raspberry to try out.

It was delicious. So here I am, enjoying the end of my awesome Tuesday. I'll head out to my spot at 11 pm, when they close. Oh yeah I also got this.

That will be my breakfast for tomorrow. Thank God for good people.

Ok that is all for today, good night.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Monday Night Blessing

Monday I spent all day at Dunkin Donuts, keeping my left foot up on a chair hoping my left foot would recover from being so swollen. It didn't help at all. At about 5 pm I started to do research on how to deal with the problem based on how my foot was looking. It was looking almost as bad when I had gone to the hospital.

Most info I found recommended I popped it, drain it completely and then put a band aid on it to let it heal. Over the course of a few hours I drained it 5 times, because it kept filling up and I couldn't understand why it was doing that. I left DD right before they closed and slowly walked to the next block and sat at a metal bench there.

I was reading a book on my phone when a Delray Police patrol car stopped right in front of me. I thought "oh no... I got my foot bare and now I'm in trouble for violating some city ordinance". Then I hear "Hey Luis! how you been?" and I see my buddy Joe, a friendly cop that I've known a few months. I had no seeing him in over a week.

He gets out of the car and we catch up with what had happened in the past few days. The Bethesda Hospital fiasco, the days spent at my ex's house, etc. Joe gets on the phone and then asks me if it would be ok if his girlfriend took at look at my foot because she is a medical assistant. Of course I said yes, thanking him,

She drives all they way from their home and 15 minutes later she is not only looking at my left foot, but treating it. She uses Joe's knife wearing surgical gloves and cuts open the blister then uses a triple antibiotic ointment, covers it with gauze and bandages it. On the spot she writes me a prescription which I could fill at Publix for free. Not only that, she gives me the ointment to keep as well.

It is people like Joe and his lovely girlfriend which strengthens my faith in God and in humanity in general. Joe gives me a hoodie before he leaves to continue his patrol.

So yeah, Monday night blessing indeed. I will post one more time to share the good day I had today.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

PS: Sorry about the length of the previous post, but there was a lot of stuff going on during those 2 days.

A Rough Sunday & Monday

Saturday night was the last night I could stay at my ex's house. Her husband, father and his wife were wonderful. They made me feel welcomed, reminded me of the family that I had lost. I wasn't used to their level of banter but I got used to it.

I was able to stand on my own with only some itch, mainly on my left foot. That night I watched the movie Allegiant with her husband; while my ex had gone out with her cousin to his some bars. She has not changed much, still loves to go out with an unfiltered mouth and ready to get into a brawl (now she legally carries a gun which makes her even more dangerous). I pity anyone who crosses her.

Sunday morning I joined the family for breakfast, which included pancakes and orange juice. Their larger dog finally allowed me to be close enough too feed him some pancake. He is so gentle that I didn't even feel him touching my hand.

After breakfast the nice duffel bag that her husband gave me was filled with my clothes which were now clean (she did laundry for me). Also new clothing (hoodie, socks, underwear, and a hospital blanket) they added.

Her stepmother was glad that my time with them helped me recover. She told me that when she saw me barely walking a few days ago, that it broke her heart. I thanked everyone for their hospitality and kindness.

She drove me to Dunkin Donuts, and bought me some food. I showed her the spot where I slept and she got emotional and started to tear up. I tried to calm her down, assuring her that I'd be alright.

I admitted to her that if she had tried anything, that I would have been putty in her hands. It is easy to ignore other woman, they are strangers to me, and those I befriend and get to know me, see me only as a friend (which works for me).

We have a history, a very intense and passionate history. I know myself well enough that with her, my defenses would crumble. Luckily nothing happened. She said a divorce is unavoidable, that she has been unhappy for years. I can't figure out how that may affect our friendship down the road, if it will have any effect at all.

She has convinced me to stay in Florida a while, wanting to help me with my legal problems. My plan was to save enough money to buy a Greyhound bus ticket, go west and leave Florida for either Texas or California. I calculated that I'd need about $350 to leave (and still be homeless elsewhere). I'll put my trip on hold, but I intend to leave the state and start over out west. If I can become a resident then I'll work my ass off to get a job, buy a car and save enough to then drive west.

After some chit chat, she calmed down but started to tear up again as she was getting ready to leave. I kept reassuring her that I would be fine. Hours later she would admit that she had been crying most of the day when she got home. Our friendship has just restarted, I trust her as much as I can, but not totally. She was my weakness and still is, so I need to be careful.

I want to remarry, I liked being a husband and it would be nice to be in love again. No, not just nice... it would be wonderful. Finding real love is hard, with any luck you can find a true love once in a lifetime, finding it twice is rare. I'm up for the challenge.

Since the late 80's, I've only been with american women, of different backgrounds and ethnicity. Most of those encounters were casual (in my 20's it was hundreds). The few serious relationships were with white women. If I'm to remarry I think my preference may be a petite Latina in her 30's with maybe 1 kid or no kids. I'm still not sure, but my grandmother always told me that a Latina would understand me better.

Last night after Dunkin Donuts closed at 8 pm, I couldn't make it to Starbucks; I was only able to walk one block. My left foot was once again swollen. I decided to stay at a bench a while to relax. Taking the chance to entertain myself, I read a book on my phone for the next 2 hours. At the time I had forgotten to take the Advil that her stepmother had advised me to take twice a day. They had give me a brand new bottle of Advil, I just plainly forgot that I had it.

I then tried to walk with the same result, barely able to move. Slowly but surely I made it to my spot to find that all my cardboard was gone. Leaving the duffel bag which her husband had kindly given me earlier that day at my spot I had to go and get some new cardboard. It didn't take long, only 10 minutes and with 2 unfolded cardboard boxes I set up my spot properly.

Using the duffel bag as leverage I put my feet on it while I used the backpack as a pillow like always. Later in the night (about 2 am) it got colder and wrapped myself in the hospital blanket she had given me. It warmed me up perfectly, allowing me to get back to sleep.

I woke up at 6:30 am, got up and slowly walked into Dunkin Donuts. My friend Eli was surprised to see me, she thought I was going to stay with my ex. When I explained that she was married and living with family she got the point.

After placing my things at the corner booth (my own little corner I hang out at) I slowly took the chairs and tables outside. It wasn't comfortable but it is the least I can do considering I will stay here all day. I can't go to the Delray Library or local soup kitchen, it wouldn't help my left foot to walk that much.

I'll spend a few bucks at DD to eat when I'm hungry. I can handle this for a week, I need to finish healing. I won't go back to her home until Thanksgiving (her family invited me). Going to watch a movie now to relax. I will work on my other blogs ("Letters of my Life" & "Homeless Survival Guide") this week.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

From a Hospital to a Sofa

Ok so here is what happened yesterday afternoon. At 4:30 pm I was getting ready to leave the Delray Beach library when I noticed I wasn't able to stand without holding on to something.

I could put my weight on my right foot and that is how slowly I made my way out of the library. Once outside I slowly lowered myself to the ground, then waited for the police officer that works inside the library to come out.

He was at the end of his shift, so he called another officer to help me. Within minutes there were 3 officers helping me. I explained the issue with my feet and called in for a transport to the nearest hospital.

Out of respect I didn't take their pictures. Once the ambulance showed up they were glad to see that they didn't have to deal with a drunk or drugged homeless person. They even said "you are the 1% of the 1% of people we pick up, rare to see someone like you in here". We spoke about the election during the 15 min ride to Bethesda Hospital.

Both paramedics were very nice, we even had a few laughs. They dropped me off and wished me well.

By the time I saw a doctor it was 7:30 pm. He told me it was just blisters, not athlete's foot or any infection. The way he was talking was as if I he wanted to get rid of me quickly. I was given 2 pills for the pain and a prescription for a cream for my feet. I had to sign papers agreeing to a $350 fee which I said I could not afford; I was told someone would talk to me to work things out.

Meanwhile my friend Kenny from Dunkin Donuts was texting me checking on me and I told him about me being at the hospital. At the same time my ex (which I mentioned in "Proudly in pain" post) was talking to me through FB Messenger.

When I told the nurse there was no way for me to walk out on my own, she said I would be given crutches. I calculated that on crutches it would take me 3-4 hours to get back to Delray Beach. I needed a ride. My ex offered to drive me and after some thinking I accepted. 15 minutes later Kenny texts me and offers me to pick me up as well.

My ex and her husband were already on their way, so I told Kenny about it and thanked him for the offer. If Kenny had offered first, I would have gone with him. I felt weird, accepting a ride from the woman I had been deeply in love with so many years ago. Not just that, it made it more weird that she was coming with her husband.

By the time I had signed my release papers it was about 8 pm. Nobody showed up to discuss the $350 that I could not afford, and I was given the crutches and told "you are good to go" making it clear that I needed to leave.

So there I was, sitting outside the emergency entrance of Bethesda Hospital waiting on my ex and a man I've never met in my life. Time was going so slow, that during the entire time I was waiting, the thought "this is a mistake" repeated over and over dozens of times.

I've learned to keep my expectations low from anyone that would offer me help in any way. I tried to walk around with the crutches while having my backpack on my back, holding the small bag of clothes and my bag of food. I realized that it would take me even longer to get back to Delray Beach. I'd have to take breaks during the walk; i was certain that it may be 5-6 hours before I got back to my spot and that the walk probably would hurt my feet further. I've had no choice than to wait for my ride.

She showed up with her husband, who was very friendly and caring. I was surprised but also cautious. Once she said that they needed to park to "talk to me" I knew something was up. I was in the back seat without any way out (not like I could run away). I remembered how good she was at getting her way.

They parked the car, then she offered me to be stay with them a few days, so my feet could heal. My thoughts were "no no no! get to your spot! safe there! don't trust!". Then her husband also joined in telling me he wanted to help me. I was tired, in pain and felt worn out. I could see that she cared about me; even thought I could not figure out why she would, after all these years.

I had to clear my head, feelings get in the way of survival. My heart wanted to get me the hell out of the car; my head was telling me to take the offer. Between both of them insisting and my head... I reluctantly agreed.

Keeping quiet in the back seat, I tried to keep my mind blank to keep my fears at bay. I entered their home and met her father and his wife. Back in the day I hadn't met him when we were together, only her mother who I remember was a good and kind woman.

I was able to take a shower and get a change of clothes to sleep in. I was given a healing cream that is specifically for feet. She wanted to do laundry to clean my clothes, I had no energy to argue about it, so I agreed. A sofa was ready for me to sleep. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep. Unbeknownst to me she took this picture.

She sent it to me this morning. Her comment was "you looked cute". I woke up, fell back to sleep and then woke up a second time at 9 am. She kindly made me breakfast and I used more of the healing cream, noticing that my feet were a bit better.

Most of my fear was gone, but was still cautious. About 2 hours later she asked me to go to her garage, showed me a bike which was going to be thrown out and offered it to me. I accepted, better I use it than having it thrown out.

My walls are still up emotionally, but I feel I can trust them for the time being. I didn't have time to update my "Letters of my Life" blog yesterday but I will find time today to post there.

Out of respect I won't show any pictures of her or her family (nor will I use their names).

I will post again tomorrow.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Proudly in pain

My friends at Dunkin Donuts held my stuff for me. That allowed me to go and help my buddy Diana with her Fundraiser. My foot was still hurting, but I told her I'd be there to help and I'm a man of my word. I worked through the pain and held up a sign for a few hours then joined her at the table where they were selling jewelry and snacks.

I posted on Facebook during and after the Fundraiser. I liked helping Diana and her friends. Helping others brings me joy. I helped them until 3 pm and then went back to Dunkin Donuts to get my stuff.

My phone was low on power so I stayed at DD until 4:30 pm and then walked to the Caring Kitchen for dinner. This time they served spaghetti with sauce and chopped meat, salad and two chocolate chip cookies. I ate everything but the cookies; I'm trying to eat less sweets because I suspect I may be on my way to being diabetic.

I got to Starbucks after 6 pm because the trolley was not running on time and had to walk there. I just finished video chatting with an old friend through FB Messenger. She is an ex. She offers friendship and I would like that, but sometimes she is a tease and tortures me a bit. She enjoys to see me blush.

Ok that is all for today, good night.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

A good Saturday

A little before 9 am today the guy who hired me Thursday for construction work walked into Dunkin Donuts, and asked me if I wanted to work 1-3 hours. I answered "Oh course!" excited and ended up working 2 1/2 hours with him. To regular people that may sound like a pittance, little work, low pay. To me, it's a blessing to even work 1 hour.

When people know you are homeless, they are at best hesitant and often turned off completely. They won't give me a chance. I can't blame them, there are plenty of homeless that would scam, steal and cheat an employer without a doubt.

I appreciate whenever someone gives me work, as long as it's honest legal work (for hard cash of course). I'm not afraid of hard work, I'm afraid of staying homeless for so long that I may get so used to it that I won't want to leave the streets. I've seen people who accept things as they are and no longer try to get off the streets, they just become content and get high or drunk and just exist instead of living.

After work I went to the Delray Beach Library to clean myself up a bit. I made sure to leave the restroom in good shape. I don't want to cause any trouble to library staff, they are nice people.
Another homeless guy that also knows Bob told me he had been hanging around a woman who is a known drunk. I started to put things together in my head. While I was with Bob I made sure nobody would take advantage of him and discouraged his drinking. I couldn't stop him from having a beer but I did notice that he drank less when I was with him.

She may have badmouthed me, turning Bob against me so she could take advantage of him. It's very possible, but I can only help to a point, after that the person needs to help himself/herself. I'm done with Bob, I hope the woman doesn't take everything.

He was supposed to meet me today to give me the clothes I had stored in his truck. He didn't call me so I decided to call him. He answered and claimed he was back in the hospital. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and told him to get better and that I'd call him next week to get my clothes. He said "Ok" and hung up.

I hope he isn't getting drunk somewhere. I checked Craigslist and no labor work near me that I can do unfortunaly. Still, a good Saturday.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Got burned at Starbucks last night

I was having such a great day yesterday. I had earned enough money Wednesday to renew my cell service (Verizon), got  haircut and was told that Monday I'd be working again.

Yeah I was sore, but happy to be because I had done honest work. It was a good Friday, until I saw my friend Bob (real name has been changed).

We meet at the CROS Ministries soup kitchen here in Delray Beach (Caring Kitchen) about 2 months ago. Since then I've done ever I could to help him because he's 75 years old, needs a cane to walk and has medical issues. His legs keep getting infected because he doesn't have a place to live. His old truck is his only shelter and sleeping in a car at his age did not help his physical condition.

I've done my best to help him. I got him clothes, food, pay for gas when he had no money (sometimes giving him all my cash) and protected him in every way I could. We even went to his Quaker (Society of Friends) meeting many times together; I brought food every time to those meetings. He gained my trust and I shared some painful memories with him about the loss of my wife.

He tells people he currently has a business practice (Accountant) with important clients, which of course isn't true. Giving people false hope by promising he'd be able to help them was wrong, but I assumed he had some sort of Alzheimer's.

Bob would end up in the hospital every few weeks, and I'd visit him when I could, cheer him up and make him smile. He was stubborn and many times was disrespectful, but I'd let it go because the man is 75 years old and maybe mentally ill.

Over time I did figure out that at the first week of the month he'd get his Social Security check and instead of managing his money (he used to be an Accountant after all) to make it last the month, within a week or so he'd be out of money. He just can't go without drinking beer or going out spending money as if he was still practicing. Whenever I advised him to slow down on spending he'd get extremely verbally abusive.

Every few weeks he would claim he had a plan to open an office, or start an international company, that he'd be making millions soon traveling abroad.

I should have cut ties with him, but I couldn't. I thought he was my friend.

Last night, I found Bob at Starbucks. I'd been looking for him for the past few days, because I was worried about him. I'd always get him food and usually he'd be at the library where I could hand the food to him. He had not been there in days.

I asked him where he had been, and then he turned to me with a look as if I had insulted him. Bob then said we were no longer friends. I was shocked. Apparently two people badmouthed me. Within a few days he seemed to have forgotten all the things we've gone through together as friends.

The time when his car stalled (because we ran out of money to get gas) and me moving his big truck with another 3 homeless guys to park it in front of a bar he frequented. Hugging each other at the Delray Beach hurricane shelter when Hurricane Matthew was almost upon us. Finding him a safe place to sleep when he had no access to his truck. The many times I would walk to the soup kitchen to get him food. So many good times we had as friends.

All forgotten within a few days. Well, there is only so much I can do. I've reached my limit with him. I've accepted his decision, and hopefully later today he will return the clothes I had stored in his truck. If he doesn't, I can live with that. I do feel betrayed, but I won't let the end of our friendship prevent me from making new friends.

I truly wish Bob he best of luck. I'll be loooking for work again today through Craigslist, maybe I'll find something.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Haircut for the Homeless

A few days ago Kenny, who works at the Dunkin Donuts I hang out every morning said he would hook me up with a haircut today, and he made good on his word.

I went to Supercuts and got myself a nice haircut. Here it is before and after.

It feels good to look less homeless. It doesn't change the fact that I will be sleeping on cardboard tonight, but it does make me feel more human. The lady that cut my hair said I looked 40 (I'm 47) so that also helped. Most homeless look older than than their real age unfortunately due to having a rough time surviving. Let me end this on a good note.

The guy who hired me yesterday couldn't give me work today, but he did tell me that Monday he will probably need me. I'm sore from the construction work I did and I would love to be in pain every day as long as it's from an honest's day work.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis