Feeling Worthless

The title says it all. Been feeling that way for weeks. Since my lawyer told me that my case won't be reviewed for at least a year.

Besides having body image issues, physical pain, depression, socialization issues, I now feel worthless. I thought a few more months... and I could truly start rebuilding my life. Get a driver's licence, buy a van and begin to hustle by learning woodworking and becoming an artisan. Work hard, buy a tiny house and become independent... new life.

Only a few people know the truth, the embarrassing truth about my marriage. I've said a few times on Facebook that "Love is blind, but it can also blind you". I speak from experience. I knew my wife over 20 years, was married to her twice (yeah, twice).

The first time it lasted 3 months, after which she demanded an annulment. I was heart broken then and didn't know what I had done wrong. Later on I found out she had cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend (she had been with him for 12 years).

Two years later we reconnected and re-married. Our marriage was far from perfect, we split up three times. Still we'd always end up back together because I felt she truly loved me more than anyone in the world.

You would think after 19 years of marriage, I'd be a legal resident, or an american by now. Nope. I was blind. When we got married (the second time) we both worked and it took months for her to start the process. Halfway through it she stopped it, claiming that as soon as I got legal I would leave her.

I'm not an angel, I've made a lot of stupid choices in my life. Things I regret. However there are a few things which were sacred to me even when I was young and stupid. One of those things, was marriage. I would never marry someone I did not love, and I would never marry for convenience, no matter what. That holds true to this day.

My grandmother tried several times to get me married when I came to the states at the age of 18. I would refuse to even meet any females to have an arranged marriage even if it would've made my life easier.

So, there it was. My wife thought I had married her for convenience and was insecure. Because I loved her, I told her that I didn't care about being legal, that all I wanted was her. She replied that once she felt confident she would start the process again.

Over the years, on occasion I would bring it up, to be told "next year" or "we don't have the money for it right now". Once she became legally disabled, her brother was to be my "sponsor" and he gave me the exact same replies.

After 15 years, I gave up on becoming legal and just accepted it. I had my wife and her brother (+ 2 kids) and sister, a family. I never imagined a life without her. Losing her after complications of her bariatric surgery devastated me. Over a year after her passing, it got to the point that I attempted suicide.

Then after that I was kicked out of the family because of it. I was homeless. If it wasn't for Summer and her husband David I'd still be walking the streets. She helped me find an immigration lawyer, who in turn said because I had been married for so long, that I had a chance to become legal.

Of course then we find out my wife's brother had lied in the death certificate stating she had been divorced. Fixing that legally took months which slowed down the submission of my case. It's been about a year since I hired my lawyer, and I'm looking at another year of being a nobody, a non-existent person that has no real value in society without a future.

I can build a computer, survive in the streets, I can be there for others, but as a person I feel that I have no worth, no value, a zero. Summer has said I'm smart, and when I recently shared my feelings of being worthless she was concerned about suicide. I assured her that will never happen to me, ever again.

I'm not suicidal, I just feel like I wasted my life loving someone who didn't truly cared about me. I loved a family that threw me away like I was garbage. Therefore... worthless.

Whenever I read a Facebook post of someone feeling sad for some reason, I almost immediately relate and post a reply showing my moral support hoping to make the person feel better because I know exactly how shitty it can be to feel sad/depressed and/or alone.

My xmas was ok, the best part was seeing Summer and David open the presents I got them which they didn't expect.

Being there for others makes me feel alive, makes me forget that I have no future. The Critical Role one-shots have been amusing, but nothing in comparison to the campaign which helped me survive the past 2 years.

I'm not giving up mind you, I've been stepped on by people I cared for most of my life and remembering that, hurts, every time, even decades later. I'm a survivor, I know that, but the way I feel is not going away.

Washing cars day after day is painful and boring (with a few exceptions like when someone shows up in a 1.2 million dollar ride as you can see below).

 

It blows me away to see some of the cars I get to work on. But I would love to legally drive a beat up van so I could be my own boss, rebuild my life and maybe meet new friends. Because who in their right mind would like to be friends with someone without a future?

I thought I was a few months away from truly getting my life together.... now I'm at least a year away from it. That is if I win my case.

Here is hoping to 2018 being a better year for me and everyone else.

Thanks for reading and may you and your loved ones be safe and healthy.

Bidet and Beep Beep from Florida!

How Critical Role helped me survive

It seems like every time I make a post, months have passed since the previous one. Here is my abbreviated story of how Critical Role helped me survive the past few years.

I began watching Critical Role as soon as it started back in March of 2015, before the show had the current look with the cool background and intro. At the time my wife was going through medical issues related to her weight (she was over 350 lbs).

Back in the 90's I played D&D when I lived in Brooklyn, NY (before I was married). Watching CR brought back good memories and I became a fan almost instantly. Not only did the show made me feel nostalgic, it became an escape from the reality I was going through.

My wife was unable to lose weight on her own so in the middle of 2015 she decided that bariatric surgery was the solution, I supported her choice along with the rest of the family.

The surgeon she picked had a few requirements, change of diet, psychiatrist approval and... losing 50 lbs. She was so determined to get the surgery done, that she stuck to the diet given to her (with occasional cheat days) and within a few months she reached the goal.

I never expressed any concern, I was always confident that she'd make it through and we'd be able to move on to the next step of our lives. We made plans for the future.

During this time, Critical Role was an escape. Any thoughts of "what if this or that goes wrong" would vanish as soon as the show started. Those thoughts would take days to return... and then it would be Thursday again.

The surgery happened at the end of 2015 and things go downhill... she was supposed to return to me within a week. Weeks pass... she becomes unresponsive... months pass... she ends up in Hospice... and in January of 2016 she is gone.

During that entire time I watched Critical Role and it helped me cope with the situation, as it slowly turned into a nightmare. My marriage wasn't perfect, but losing her affected me deeply. It sent me into a deep depression that I was able to hide from my family.

Watching Critical Role allowed me to enjoy something without feeling guilt. For a short period of time every Thursday I was able to smile, even to laugh at the silly impromptu comedy that would ensue among Vox Machina and their allies or enemies.

I was on a self destructive path...suicide. But every time I watched CR I forgot about my dark plans. There were times when I was almost sure to take the 60 pills I had saved to end my pain... and then I would think "Thursday is almost here... I really want to see what happens next" and I would postpone it (that and a Marvel movie that was coming up).

In June of 2016 I lost it and took the pills. I miraculously survived and then soon after became homeless. During my 7 months of walking the streets of South Florida I was fortunate to have my old phone with me. Almost every Thursday I would be outside a closed Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks or anywhere I could find free wi-fi to watch Critical Role.

If for some reason I could not watch it (and there were a few times when it wasn't safe to do so) then the following Monday, I would watch it on Youtube.

Being homeless is not easy, you worry about everything. Will I eat today? Will someone give me some work so I have pocket money? Will I find a safe spot to sleep tonight? Will someone rob me? (that happened a few times) Can I find clean clothes this week? It is stressful... imagine the Vecna fight, multiply that about ten fold... that is how I felt.

Yet... every time I would watch CR my mind was transported to Tal'dorei and the heroes of Vox Machina. I remember a night when it was raining, and I was sitting outside a Dunkin Donuts smiling as I was looking at my phone watching Critical Role.

I can't remember what episode, or what exactly was happening... except that Scanlan had said something funny and I was laughing... in the middle of the night with no place to call home, no family... no real friends and all that didn't matter... Scanlan had made me laugh.

It's been a year since a friend took me in, leaving my homeless life behind me. My life is a bit easier, but there is still stress, moments of depression because of the uncertain future I face... but no dark path as before. It is gone. I want to live, to enjoy life... to perhaps find love again, to embrace new challenges and of course... to continue enjoying my favorite show, Critical Role.

If I could hug every single person responsible for making the show possible, I would. But since I can't do that... last week I was able to show my support for the show by finally getting what I always wanted...

I can't afford to get Amazon Prime yet (which would give me Twitch Prime and I could subscribe to the G&S channel) but I should have enough by Christmas as a present for myself.

Shameless plug ahead.

I've opened my own Secret Shop to provide Image/Video Editing and Video Intros/Outros exclusively for Hoomans & Critters. Hopefully I'll be able to make a few more fellow geeks happy with my work.

Thanks for reading and may you and your loved ones be safe and healthy.

Bidet and Beep Beep from Florida!

To my fellow Critters/Hoomans

It's been 3 months since I posted on this blog. I never changed the title because even though I now have a place that I call home, I still in many ways feel homeless.

I dedicate this post to my fellow Hoomans/Critters that are going through a rough time who have recently posted on our Facebook groups. This post may be a little long, also NSFW.

A (somewhat) quick summary of how I ended up homeless is in order. January 2015, my wife of 19 years dies in hospice, complications after bariatric surgery ends her life. For most of our marriage her brother (with a son and daughter) and sister lived with us, we were a pretty solid family. The first 3 months after her passing I slept a lot, would barely talk and all I could feel was darkness around me.

Then my brother-in-law, whom I considered a brother... demanded that I stop it because my behavior was affecting his kids. So, I pretended to come out of the depression, and I made them believe that I was fine. I kept it all inside, the hurt, the dark emotions, everything. Meanwhile... I was planning my suicide with my wife's old meds, enough to triple overdose. I figured if the pills could kill 9 men, it was a sure shot. I actually kept postponing it because I wanted to see the second Avengers movie... still a geek/nerd to the end.

In June of 2016 I snapped, in the middle of the night on a Thursday I walked to the pool area of the complex, walked into the bathroom with a bottle of water and 60 pills. Fortunately a cop in his vehicle had seen me and investigated, finding me unresponsive.

Paramedics revived me, and I woke up in a hospital with a tube down my throat the next day. I could not breathe on my own due to all the stuff I had taken. My body had no permanent damage. 3 days later, tube is removed, and 4 days after that I'm told that I can either sign myself for some help or I would be "bakerized".

Realizing I needed help, I signed and was transferred to another hospital's psych ward. I went through therapy, lots of sessions and within a few weeks doctors declare that I'm fit to leave.

During that entire period of time, only once my brother and my niece dropped by (at the first hospital) and he was angry rather than concerned. I told him to leave because I didn't want the hospital to try and stick him with the medical bills.

I call the house to let them know I'm being released and that I'm better now, to come pick me up. Nobody answers, I leave a message. I got no money, only a bus ticket that was provided by the hospital. I don't even know how to get home. Hours go by. I decide to walk home.

8 hours later, I reach home at night and he is outside, waiting for me. I'm tired, but happy that my brother was there. My smile faded when he told me I was no longer part of the family, that I had ruined everything. He gave me a backpack with some of my clothes, my wallet, my old phone which was deactivated, $30 and told me to go north.

They were the only family I had left after my wife died, and I was thrown to the streets as if 20 years of being a member of the family meant nothing.

I was homeless for 7 months, ate out of dumpsters, panhandled, slept on concrete or cardboard. I was threatened on a regular basis by other homeless (which I could handle fortunately), shot at with air soft guns in the middle of the night while sleeping near the beach, empty beer bottles thrown at me and oh yeah, got robbed a few times. Countless of police officers questioning me as to why I was in the area, frisking me for weapons/drugs and most of the time telling me to move out of their jurisdiction on to the next city/county if I knew what was good for me.

So many homeless that were mentally ill, drug addicts and alcoholics that could not climb themselves out of their situation... I met a lot of them during the time I was walking the streets.

Once I hit Delray Beach, things got a bit easier since the cops there were much more lenient and kind. I got lucky when an ex of mine found me on Facebook, she and her husband helped me out by picking me up once in a while for a hot shower and laundry. A few weeks later (Thanksgiving 2016) I was invited to dinner and at the end of the meal I was told that they would not let me go back to the streets, that I could stay and they were willing to help me get my life back together. They had unanimously agreed to do it.

Been with them since, learning that I had a $600 debt which originally had been $275 of court fees from an old parking ticket from 2008, among other things (I'm in debt). I found work at a car wash through Craigslist 2 weeks ago, where most of my cash is based on tips from 9am to 6pm, weekdays I make about $15-$30, and on good days (weekends) twice that. Still, if it's cloudy or raining, chances are we closing early, not working at all or just staying all day for a few cars making very little.

I'm struggling, but still happy to have a place to call home, being a part of a new family and knowing there are people who have it much tougher than me out there.

My fellow Hooman/Critter, if you are having a tough time, remember... you are not alone, we're here for you. We open our arms in the virtual world we share, with love, compassion and understanding. Look forward to tomorrow, a new day, a new sunrise and the many entertaining ways to relieve stress that Felicia Day, Geek & Sundry and the cast of Critical Role have provided us.

Be pleased, beep beep and Bidet to you my friend.

Sincerely

Luis O.
Hooman Critter

Where to start...

April, May, June and July... four months that come every year. Most people's lives go on without big events dropping on their heads one after another.

These past four months have been crazy. I'm not exaggerating here. My new family have gone through hell. I mean literately, not figuratively. The AC in the house for months was not working properly, combined with Summer's menopause which causes hot flashes... she was in hell.

My dear friend carries a lot of weight on her shoulders, keeping the house afloat financially, keeping track of everyone's well being and sometimes forgetting her own. Often it is hard for me to look at her when she is in pain, knowing that all I can give her is moral support and to stay out of her way.

Beginning of April was hard, David's test results came back from the Cardiologist and it looked bad, his heart had not healed and another surgery was likely. He is sent home pending a second opinion. The second week of April Summer pulls her hip out and back so she goes to the doctor, then takes David to the hospital to do some paperwork while she is in pain.

The third week... David and me get a cold (I get a high fever of 102). Summer makes sure we take meds and then... she gets a Sinus infection, both ears are infected, upper respiratory infection and a stomach virus.

Even while she was sick, she cooked for the family. The amount of fortitude the woman has is impressive. Summer felt worse and had to once again, go to a doctor. Doc tells her to rest for 4 days... did she rest? not really.

May is a tough month for Summer, with pain and stress almost on a daily basis. After going to the doctor... she needs surgery to remove her remaining ovary because it's the source of a lot of her pain. Also Xfinity showed up about 3 dozen times trying to fix a problem where at times the service goes down and Summer can't go online, watch TV or Netflix (which I got her into). Without entertainment she is even more stressed that usual.

She carries on like a trooper while the AC continues to malfunction during hot Florida days (and nights). The occasional rain makes her day a bit easier.

Second week of June, the surgery takes place and David and I step up to make sure she is comfortable and take care of her for the following few weeks.

You would think that things would let up... a break from all the stuff raining down on the family. But no, not yet. End of June... Summer has such strong migraines that an emergency CT scan of her brain is needed. Fortunately it looks normal.

Then comes July 3rd, one of the hardest days of the year for the entire family. Zoe, the little dog which she adopted 3 years ago had to be taken to the Pet Emergency Center. She had over 100 stones and sand in her bladder. Summer had to choose between a surgery that would save Zoe which would put her thousands of dollars in debt or do nothing and see her baby die within a few days.

Of course she saves Zoe. Instead of one surgery, two were needed. I helped her start a Gofundme page which ran for weeks that covered part of the insane amount of medical bills from the vet.

Meanwhile, Summer who was still recovering from surgery, cares for Zoe day and night because the poor little thing even with meds was in pain (like her mom).

Luckily the overwhelming moral support and prayers from several Facebook groups dedicated to pet owners and rescued dogs helped Summer and Zoe overcome such a hard time. Unfortunately this also reminder my friend of her beloved Mushi (she passed away this year).

As things were improving... July 8 someone spent hundreds of dollars on iTunes using Summer's credit card. Her bank reversed the charges once they figured out someone else had done it. Still, it was another mess she did not need.

More doctors visits and tests, as follow up to Summer's surgery. Mind you that during all these months, Summer does her best to stay calm even with all the crazy stuff that happened. She does break down every week or so, but who wouldn't with all the things that I've described so far (yes, so far).

July 21 at 7am, there is a flood in the house caused by a broken hose that connects to the dishwasher. Half the house is 3"-4" underwater, ruining the dinning room set, both recliners, bedroom set, kitchen and much more.

Working together with David using 2 dry/wet vacs we manage to take care of the water. The entire house is filled with large industrial dehumidifiers running 24/7 (imagine trying to sleep through that for the past 3 days). Then that night David slipped and tripped over one of the dehumidifiers and went right into the China cabinet and cuts his arm (thank god he is fine).

Their bed is ruined and they end up sleeping on the ruined recliners while I sleep on the sofa. Today the dehumidifiers are removed. There is even more stuff, but I think I've shared enough to paint a clear picture.

My new family has gone through hell for the past 8 months. I pray for everyone here, but it seems like god is testing, and testing and testing. Somehow my friend is still standing.

I wish I could do more, but I got my own legal problems up in the air, more emotional baggage that I care to mention and an uncertain future.

Still, I'm happy to be here and off the streets with my new family.

God help us.

May you walk in the light of God.
Sincerely.
Luis

An overdue update

To say an update is overdue, would be an understatement. So much has happened, this post would be too long if I went into detail, so I will condense a bit.

But before that, a little disclaimer. For privacy reasons, I will change the names of people involved from here on out.

Soon after the previous post which was back in December of 2016, Summer's husband had a heart attack. David had trouble breathing at home and she called 911. Had she not make that call, he certainly wouldn't be with us today.

Twice his heart stopped in the hospital and twice the good people there brought him back to life. Summer was devastated. I tried to be there for her as much as I could. She is a strong woman, always was, but she would cry often. David's wasn't the only heart which had broken.

His heart was badly damaged and went through surgeries for doctors to repair as much as possible. Weeks went by before he was allowed to come home. I wish I could say "and then everything was fine"... I wish.

Due to the remaining damage to his heart, he has to wear (still to this day) a vest that is a portable defibrillator 24/7. It will sound a loud alarm if anything goes wrong and if it detects that his heart has stopped it will shock him.

Both myself and Summer feared leaving him alone, wherever he went, one of us would be with him. Always concerned for his health. This kind man who had agreed to take me in, had returned to his home, weakened and stuck with a device strapped to his chest that he could not live without.

Many nights both of us would check on him while he was sleeping, to make sure he was alright. I helped as much as I could to help care for him. Between the medication, the strict diet that Summer put him on and the combined efforts of the entire family David slowly began to recover.

He went from being easily tired at the time he returned home, to now being able to drive on his own (but still wearing the vest). I try to go with him whenever possible without being intrusive. I know he wants to feel normal again, independent and able to do normal things. Who wants a passenger to just to get a gallon of milk?

I know sometimes he feels annoyed, but his heart is still damaged and I wouldn't want him to be alone if something happens while he out of the house, among a bunch of strangers if he is out driving or shopping.

And that is just a glance at what happened between December and now at the place I now call home. Well... there is more, much more. I worked at an Italian Festival, I'm on Fiverr and... well, I'll try to post again sometime this week with more details.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis